Who Have We Become?

For the majority of our relationship Jax and I communicated really well with each other. However, ever since I caught him lying our ability to communicate diminished.

Early in our relationship, when I ever felt that Jax was treating me with disrespect I wouldn’t hesitate to confront him about it and he did the same thing with me. We were brutally honest with each other (with the best intentions) and that made our relationship stronger. I’m not one to take bullshit sitting down and I tend to call people out when they are treating me like shit, particularly those close to me.  However, our relationship has become unrecognizable. Every time I bring up my concern about how he makes time for work and his PhD at the cost of our time, he always comes back to me with the same response. “You’re letting your insecurities get the best of you again! I thought we were over this, Yra!” He would yell at me with judgement in his voice. He knew how to break me down, by bringing up my past trust issues and insecurities. This was not like him. He used to have compassion when I was being insecure and he would reassure me that there was nothing to worry about.

“I am over them!” I responded with an equally loud, assertive tone to my voice. “I’m just saying that you are becoming your PhD advisor; who makes promises he can’t keep, talks and acts like he is almighty but he's not, he makes no time for his family and focuses everything on his work. He neglects his relationships and is constantly flirting with young girls and waitresses and that’s why he’s divorced and alone! I don’t want to marry someone like your PhD advisor, I want to be married to the person I fell in love!” I didn’t get a response, and he ignored my accusations.

Jaxon continued to blame my insecurities as if I haven’t changed from when we started dating. Jaxon and I started dating when we were eighteen years old. Back then I was young and immature, I also didn’t accept any responsibilities, didn’t take my diagnoses of depression seriously, I was extremely short tempered, I was immensely jealous about everything, I was a pathological liar, and I had zero self confidence. I came along way from who I was and I’m proud of myself for getting over those insecurities. But I have to admit, I often questioned myself every time we would fight.

After our fights I tend to think to myself, “he’s right, your insecurities are getting the best of you. You have no proof that he is having an emotional or physical affair. Trust that he is loyal and that he loves you. He did propose after all.” I repeated this to myself. Than I tend to feel extremely guilty for being insecure and most of the time I feel as though I’m the cause of all our relationship issues. Therefore, I find myself overcompensating and I try really hard to make Jaxon’s life easier.  

We’ve had this same argument over and over again for weeks on end. But now I limit the amount of times I confront him and communicate with him regarding how I’m feeling even though my paranoia and anxiety is only getting worse.  

It all started from this one afternoon . . .

The sun was bright in the sky, the living room window shade was wide open and the light was spilling into our living room, heating it considerably.  I remember Buddy sleeping on the floor enjoying the warmth. Jax and I were on the couch, he was watching football and I was on my laptop researching pricing for our wedding. It was the first time in a long time that we were spending anytime together. It was really nice and I was genuinely happy.

I had this great idea for our wedding and I leaned over with my laptop to show Jax. I spoke with excitement in my voice and before I could even finish telling him my idea, he cut me off. All he said was, “how much is it going to cost?” And with an unimpressed look in my face, I said I wasn’t sure. I pulled back to the other end of the couch to avoid an argument. He noticed that I was upset and he got defensive; he started yelling about how the wedding was just going to cost too much. So I yelled right back, saying that I am willing to just elope. But somehow that made him boil even more and the discussion went into a full-blown fight. I wasn’t going to take that bullshit from him; he had no right to talk to me that way and I didn’t hesitate to give him the exact same attitude, but louder.

After arguing for minutes (but what felt like hours); he stood straight up, his entire body stiffened, his face was red with anger. This is a side of Jaxon I’ve never seen before. He briskly walked away and into the kitchen. For some reason, I followed. He might of just needed time alone, but I felt the urge to follow him. Noticing that my presence was frustrating him even more, I stopped at the bottom of the stairs and sat down on the third last step, I pulled and hugged my knees in tightly to my chest. He stormed back into the living room and without even a small glimpse in my direction, he blew right past me. I remained as I was.

Our direct vision to each other was blocked by the wall between the staircase and the living room, but the yelling and arguing continued. Then all of a sudden, I heard him let out a deafening growl followed by a loud crash and scattering of plastic pieces everywhere (he threw the remote control across the living room). Instantly my eyes filled with tears, my heart started racing, my entire body was sweating and shaking; for the first time ever I was scared of him.

I took several minutes to calm myself down. Then, I stood up. Wiped the tears. Put on a fake brave face. Turned the corner around the wall. Faced Jaxon straight on. Looked him directly in the eye and said; “Who the fuck are you? I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

After that afternoon, I limited my responses to our frequent arguments. I bottled every emotion and thought in.  I did everything I could so that I didn’t stress him out. I stopped planning and organizing our wedding because it didn’t make either of us happy. My job became doing everything I can to make him stress free and as happy as he could be at the cost of my own happiness.

The weeks following that one afternoon; every morning when we were driving to work together, Jaxon would pick a fight over nothing or he would lose his temper when I occasionally asked him to remind me he still loved me. His actions and behaviour proved that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and I was no longer confident that he ever loved me at all.  I even said that I would rather have him be honest with me if he didn’t feel the same anymore and/or if he was in love with someone else. But again he would lose his temper, raise his voice, blame my insecurities, and demanded that I stop being so needy. He repeated numerous times, that my confidence was derived from the strength of our relationship and that he didn’t do anything to make me feel this way. He said that my confidence was low, because I believed that our relationship was falling apart. He also said that I should stop comparing him to those who have wronged me in the past, just because other people have lied, abandoned me, and cheated on me, that didn’t mean that he would do the same.

Was he right? Was it just all in my head? At the time when we were fighting, I was questioning everything that I was feeling in my gut. Jax has never been wrong before about my insecurities so why would this time be any different? I had no physical proof that he was cheating on me, he was just busy at work and with his PhD. Again, he did propose after all. He did make the ultimate promise (knowing that I hate broken promises). So, did I really have the evidence to make such accusations?

As we continued driving together at work and arguing in the car, I mostly just kept quiet. Sometimes, I would fake sleeping just to avoid fighting. I started walking on eggshells around him and that is not who I am. Eventually I found myself not wanting to go home after work, or looked forward to the moments Jaxon had to work overtime and I had the whole house to myself. I found refuge in being alone because it was the only time I actually felt like myself.

During all those arguments it never even crossed my mind to break up with him. If anything I was just waiting for him to break up with me. I didn’t feel like breaking up and giving up was an option. We have gone through a lot together and this was just another obstacle. I’ve always been a fighter and I don’t give up easily, especially with the people I truly love. As I questioned myself I was feeling like I was losing pieces of the person I had grown into. I was becoming unrecognizable to myself.

🎧 - Maroon 5: Unkiss Me

REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED: 

It’s agonizing every time I look back on that fight. His temper was completely out of character and it aches so much knowing that it was moment on the stairs when I realized that he was no longer the man I fell in love with. And looking back at it now, it was probably the same moment I should have known that he was also no longer in love with me.

When I originally wrote this chapter, I was hesitant to send it to Jaxon because I knew that it would hurt him. I don’t think he knew exactly how I felt during and after that fight. We talked the next day after he read this chapter and neither one of us could hold our tears back. As I had thought, he was completely remorseful. I would like to believe that reading this chapter was what he needed to make the proper changes in his life and return back to the man he use to be. 

SPOILER ALERT: In a later chapter I talk about and get into detail about gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation to obtain power over someone else. It may not be obvious, but at one point in your life you have probably experience a form of this psychological abuse.  

FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:

1. Here's a question that a good friend of mine posted last year . . . As a couple you place so much trust in the other person, they become the basis for so much of your sense of self, how do you see through them becoming the problem and trust yourself and yourself alone?