Unrecognizable

“WHAT THE FUCK JAXON?!?!?” I yelled into the phone. “WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!?!? Do you think you can have your cake and eat it too?!?!?” When did you start cheating?!?!?” I continued to yell. I can hear him trying to interrupt my rant but I ignored his explanation because it didn't matter. My mind was made up! In my mind he has become a piece of shit! His disrespect reminded me of my biological father. I lost all respect for Jaxon, and the tiny bit of unresolved feelings for him instantly dissipated. I kept thinking to myself, that if he can disrespect his new girlfriend like that, he definitely disrespected me too.

“TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH . . .” I continued to yell on the phone “. . . DID YOU CHEAT ON ME?

“No! I didn’t cheat on you!” Jaxon yelled back at me on the phone. “I didn’t cheat on my girlfriend neither, we didn’t start dating until September. So what happened in the end of August between us was not cheating!” He continued yelling back to justify his actions.

My blood was boiling, I was furious on the boy he had become! I was furious in the position that he put me in. He knows and I know that if I had not denied him earlier that week we would have slept together. He was fucking lucky I denied him! I only denied him because I had enough respect for someone I wasn’t even dating, but possibly would one day. If I had not met BJ I probably wouldn’t have denied Jaxon because it’s hard to deny a guaranteed good lay. We probably would have slept together in a hotel room again like we had in the end of August!

When I hung up the phone, my blood was still boiling. I couldn’t calm myself down. Not only was I mad, but also I was in shock, I was flabbergasted and part of me was in denial. This couldn’t be the man that I was in love with for thirteen years?!? This couldn’t be the man that promised me thirteen years ago that he would never cheat?!? This couldn’t be the man that taught me how to trust people, specifically him?!? This couldn’t be the man that taught me real, genuine love exists?!? This just couldn’t be that same man?!? My heart was broken because the man I fell in love with no longer existed and was more unrecognizable than he was before. He was not only lying and being fake to me, his family, his friends and his new girlfriend, but to himself.

The evening I had dropped Jaxon off at the airport I was meeting up with his brother, sister-in-law, his younger sister, his mom and dad. I spent the hours before going to his brother’s house trying to calm myself down because I knew that I didn’t want to tell them what had happened out of anger. If I was going to tell them I wanted to tell them because I was concerned about the person who Jaxon had become. Technically it wasn’t my place to tell anyone anything, it was Jaxon’s. However, since I know Jaxon so well, I know he would either deny it or just say anything to  anyone. I know that he is afraid of what people would think of him, judge him, and that he might lose his new girlfriend. But my opinion didn’t matter to him anymore; I was just an ex-fiancé that lived in another city . . . it would be my word against his. I know that if I had told his family the truth he would deny it and make me look like that I was the jealous ex-fiancé. It wouldn’t be true because I am not jealous, I just wanted to help him be better because I genuinely believe that he has become a person that would do whatever to please and benefit himself, including lying and cheating . . . and I know that he can be better than that.

As I sat there in the car in front of his brother’s house, I took several deep breaths before I got out of the car. As I stepped one foot in front of the other I can still feel my blood boiling, I continued taking deep breaths in hopes to calm down. However, I knew that I wasn’t in the mood to be fake happy. But I also wanted to see Jaxon’s family, especially his mom and dad. As I approached their front door, tears started rolling down my face. I felt guilty, I felt sad, and I was extremely hurt by it all. I wiped the tears off my face, but I couldn’t hide the anger and sadness that I had on my face. I tried really hard as his sister-in-law opened the door but I know she can tell that something was wrong. I hugged her, petted her dog, said hello to everyone, but I didn't feel right being there. I tried really hard, but I can feel myself being fake. We played a couple of board games, told them about my new life in the new city, and how I met BJ. As we continued to catch up, it didn't appear that they knew anything about Jaxon and his new girlfriend. I started to feel more uncomfortable and felt like I was keeping a dark secret from them . . . so I left early. I didn’t want to, but I also felt like I was lying and keeping secrets from them.

When I arrived back to my mother’s house (where I was staying for my visit), I had calmed myself down. Still saddened from coming into terms that Jaxon was not the same person and I couldn’t be the one to help him be a better person with genuinely kind and high moral integrity . . .

. . . As I was getting ready for bed, my phone started vibrating, it was BJ.

“Hey!” I said as I answered the phone.

“Hey, how was your night?” BJ asked with enthusiasm.

“It was good, just played a few board games with friends.” I said. “How was your night?” I asked back.

“Just been missing you.” He responded. I can feel my cheeks instantly blush as I let out a flirtatious giggle. We talked on the phone for the rest of the night and by morning I still felt my cheeks and stomach hurting from laughing so much.

REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED: 

I was obviously angry that Jaxon lied and his actions were disrespectful to me and to his new girlfriend. I could have remained angry or hold a grudge forever but I didn’t want to live with negative emotions. Instead, part of me wanted to help Jaxon; help him find his way back to the person he used to be, help him regain his integrity. I will always care and love Jaxon. I will always be grateful for the man who loved me and I will always want the best for him. I knew that this person that he was at that moment was not his best self. I also knew that he was either in denial or was ashamed of his actions. Since he helped me so much when we were together, I felt (and sometimes still do feel) that I owe him. I owe him the same patience, the same guidance, the same effort, the same invested time . . . but unfortunately, I also knew that helping/inspiring him to be a better person was no longer my place/job . . . or even be welcomed anymore.

🎧 - Melissa Etheridge: Your Little Secret

FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:

1. Have you ever found keeping contact with your ex because you wanted to help them? Be there for them? Support them?

2. Are we actually helping our exes if we guide/help them when they are lost or hurting? Or are we just preventing them to help them self? Or are we just leading them to believe that there is a chance in the future for a reconciliation?