chapter nineteen
“Send My Love (To Your New Lover)"
It’s late-September and I was back to my hometown for another good friend's wedding. I decided to take a week vacation so I can catch up with family and friends including Jaxon and his family.
It is mid-week of my vacation. I had just driven away from the airport and was stopped at a red light. I’m sitting in the car, smiling, my body swaying back and forth to the rhythm of the music playing on the radio. Than all of a sudden I can feel this boiling sensation quickly take over my entire body. I can feel my face tighten, my eyebrows frown pinching together at the top of my nose, my eyes glaring, my teeth clenched, I’m breathing hard and fast through my nostrils. Influenced by this source of anger, my body is shaking, my hands possessed, turned into fists and I’m punching the steering wheel over and over again. I growl and scream in the top of my lungs; “AAAARRRRHHHH!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?”
I’m FUCKING PISSED! I’m going crazy as I realized that Jaxon could have cheated on his girlfriend with me and could have made me the other woman!
Moments before I lost my temper, I had dropped Jaxon off at the front entrance of the airport. He was heading to a work conference outside of town. His car was in the shop and he needed a ride to the airport. He asked me to drop him off because he wanted to spend a little more time together to catch up before he headed out.
I had pulled up to a drop zone in front of the entrance of the airport. There were a lot of cars also doing the same thing. We knew that because the airport was busy, our goodbye had to be quick. Right as I put the car into park (but left the engine running), I looked over at Jax and he looked nervous. I couldn't think of a reason why he would be nervous, he's flown numerous times before, but I figured I should ask him anyways. However, before I could ask him what was wrong, he turned towards me . . . His eyes squinting and appeared to be slightly watering as if he was about to cry. He then quickly looked down and turned his head to the front of the car; “I’m dating someone . . . I really like her a lot and it's serious.” He said bowing his head as if he was ashamed.
“Okay” I said with a smile on my face. I tilted my head down in attempt to get eye contact and to try to get him to look back up. It seemed to work and he looked over at my direction, with the most frightened face I’ve ever seen. I again smiled at him and said; “You better treat her better. Don’t put work and your PhD a priority over your relationship. Don’t let your advisor take over your life anymore. Don’t lie to her. Don’t make her feel insignificant. She deserves better than that!” I wasn’t really sure who he was dating, he never mentioned. I imagined it was the same woman he met at the hockey game and who he went on that awkward date with earlier in the summer.
He looked at me intently, with a shocked expression to his face. As he slowly turned to get out of the car, he started tearing up. He looked at me one last time before he was about to step out of the car and he said “I can’t believe that you’re not angry or jealous. You’re handling this so well.” I smiled and shrugged my shoulders, I didn’t know how to respond to that. I can tell that Jax still had this image of me (the weak little girl version of me) who was jealous and insecure. He still didn’t realize how much I had grown and changed. That moment reminded me again that he had no clue who I was anymore.
As Jax was opening the door to leave the car, Adele’s new song, “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)” came on the radio. We both stopped, quickly looked at the car console and then turned and looked at each other. As soon as we made eye contact, we both burst out into laughter.
“That was absolutely perfect timing!” I said to him as I continued laughing.
“Definitely!” He responded with a huge smile on his face.
We hugged quickly, said goodbye, and then he was off on his way.
I drove away smiling and genuinely delighted for him. For some odd reason my concern was more for her. No one ever deserves being treated poorly, be lied to, and not feel like they are a priority to someone they love. And I was really hoping for her sake that Jaxon had changed.
Well, he definitely did change . . . just not how I expected and hoped for . . .
Earlier in the week (days before I dropped him off at the airport), Jaxon and I spent some time together. We visited his siblings’ houses to catch up and see how everyone was doing. I was so excited! I hadn’t seen his nieces and nephew for several months and I missed those beautiful little rugrats! We were driving towards his sister’s house and we were talking and catching up.
“Are you dating anyone?” He asked me.
“Hmmmmm, technically I’m not dating anyone, but I did meet someone randomly at the airport” I responded.
“Of course you did!” Jaxon said as he let out a little giggle.
“Oh the funniest thing is that his name is BJ.” I said to him with this goofy look on my face.
“What?!?!? No?!?” Jaxon blurted out as we laughed together.
“Okay, technically that's not his real name, just his initials. But for short I call him B.” I explained with a huge smile on my face.
“Well . . . tell me more about him.” He asked as he continued driving.
I was honest about everything, I told Jaxon about how BJ and I met and that we've been talking on the phone almost everyday for several weeks.
As I continued talking, I had this different tone to my voice. Since Jax and I know each other well, he could tell by the way I was speaking and by my facial expressions that I was genuinely happy, confident, and had strong feelings towards BJ. He knew that the feelings I had for BJ were different than the other guys I mentioned from over the summer. And when I looked over at Jax I could see that he was jealous. I quickly glanced back at the front and stopped talking because I didn’t want to hurt him.
I waited a little bit and I glanced over at Jax again to make sure that he was okay. He looked at me and he had this look in his eyes, the same look I saw in August when he picked me up at the airport. For some odd reason, he was getting aroused. He made a joke that we should get a hotel room again . . . I could tell that he was passing the idea off as a joke, but I knew that he was serious . . . He even pulled over on the road in a neighbourhood that was just being developed. There was no one around. Jax looked over at me with this devious smile on his face. “Want to have sex on the back seat of the SUV?!?” He asked jokingly.
“No!” I said with a serious tone to my voice.
He laughed and brushed it off. “You really like this BJ guy that much, eh? I'm happy for you” he said with, what appeared to be a forced smile on his face.
Jaxon was right, I denied him not only because I was no longer attracted to him, but I was also thinking of BJ. I didn't want to jeopardize the chance for a future with BJ, just for one guaranteed good lay with Jaxon. It was not worth it.
If I hadn’t denied Jaxon’s advances earlier in the week, we definitely would have slept together. He would of made me the other woman, which he knows damn well that would have killed me with guilt. It is one of the many things in my life that I never want to be used for.
Jaxon’s actions spoke loudly of his character now and I was unimpressed. I knew when we broke up that he was different, but I didn’t know that his sense of loyalty and morals changed. The Jaxon I fell in love with, would never have lied and/or cheated on me or anyone. Obviously, the Jaxon I fell out of love with cheats and lies. It justified even more that I made the right decision in March. I have no idea who he is anymore. I am extremely disappointed in the person he had become.
“Secret and lies kill relationships. No matter how careful you are, you will get caught.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
Some can easily mistaken my anger I had that day at the airport, as jealousy. I can 100% assure it was not jealousy! There was nothing to be jealous about; Jaxon’s girlfriend was living the life I left behind and with a man I was no longer in love with. Again, there was nothing to be jealous about. I was upset and extremely angry because Jaxon lied to me and would have put me in a really bad position. First of all I hate being lied to. It is very disrespectful. And secondly, the one thing I NEVER . . . NEVER . . . NEVER . . . wanted to be in my life, is be the other woman! And until that summer, I was successful.
I've never cheated on anybody. I have never stolen a friend’s significant other. I don’t think that I have the ability to hurt anyone like that. I am loyal to a fault and I take pride in that.
If Jaxon and I had slept together earlier that week, and finding out later he had a girlfriend, the guilt would literally have consumed me. I would not been able to face his family, our mutual friends, him, her, and myself. I probably would have lost all contact with everyone from my hometown (expect for my family). I would have struggled to look myself in the mirror because I would feel like a filthy c*nt (I hate that word). Yes, I know that it would not have been my fault because I didn’t know. But I struggle with guilt. When I feel guilty I break down and it can paralyze me for days, possibly weeks, sometimes months. I usually hit an all time low. I’ve learned these past couple of years that I can get out of it, but it is a slow crawl out. Guilt is my biggest defeat.
Since my father cheated and deserted our family for another woman, I promised myself that I would never be like him or like her. My father’s mistress knew exactly what she was doing. She knew he had a family and yet she didn’t care and still pursued him. When my father left; the heartbreak, the betrayal, the pain that our family went through was unbearable. The aftermath of that experience made a massive impact in my life; I had severe trust issues, I had to get over a lot of insecurities because of my abandonment issues, I was extremely angry and jealous, and (unfortunately) till this day I break down/lose my temper when I find out someone has lied to me.
Getting over all of the pain and insecurities took almost my entire life. Sometimes they creep back into my life once in awhile and I have to deal with them all over again, however, I’ve learned to deal with it more calmly and quickly. I would never wish pain like that on anyone and I will continue to do whatever I can to avoid being the cause of someone’s pain.
After that day, I knew that Jaxon was completely someone different and again it just justified even more that I made the right decision to leave him. I could never be with someone who disrespected me by cheating emotionally and/or physically. And like I said, I was more concerned for her.
🎧 - Adele: Send My Love (To Your New Lover)
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Do you ever find yourself lying to your ex to prevent them from hurting? Or lying to them so that they believe that your life is better without them?
How honest should we be with our ex regarding when and who we are dating?