chapter one
Once I Catch You In A Lie, It Makes Me Question Everything That You've Ever Said
It’s 3 am and my eyes are swollen, my lips and lower jaw are quivering uncontrollably. It was the first time in our thirteen years I was crying myself to sleep over Jaxon, yet I can’t fall asleep. For three hours the warm salty tears running down my face have soaked the pillow I haven’t moved from. I keep rubbing the left side of my chest as if I was massaging a torn muscle. I rolled over to face Jax; his chest is lifting rhythmically up and down with every breath and his snoring is deafening to me. He is in deep, peaceful sleep and I’m right beside him, suffering through what feels like the worst pain in my life.
Earlier that night I waited patiently for Jaxon to come home from meeting up with his PhD advisor. He always met his advisor at odd times, mostly in the evenings at a restaurant. I understood because I knew that both were extremely busy during the day at their full time jobs. However, he assured me that he would be home early and we can at least spend some time together. It was after all supposed to be our date night.
It was a frigid cold December winter night and I could have gone out to a friend’s house, but instead I wanted to spend the evening cuddling up on the couch with our dog, Buddy, under a warm cozy blanket and watching Netflix. It was a nice and relaxing night. I had already watched two Hunger Game movies and was in the middle of the third one when I started nodding off and falling asleep. I reached over Buddy to get my cell phone from the coffee table. I checked for the time and to see if Jax had texted or called, but there was nothing from him. It was nearing 11pm and he said that he was going to be home around 10. I was a little worried because usually when he was running late he would have at least texted. What if he got into a car accident? It was just snowing and the roads are icy, but I knew that I couldn’t just assume the worse.
I texted him to see what time he will be home, but for over 10 minutes there was no response (very unusual). I just assumed that he was driving home. I got ready for bed and had just laid down when I remembered that we were connected via Find Friends App where I can see his current location. I opened the app and saw that he was at the south end of the city, instead of where he said he was going to be, at a restaurant near downtown. At the moment, I didn’t think anything of it, I was sure that there was a perfectly good explanation. I was still looking at the app when my cell phone vibrated from a call, it was Jax. I answered the call and put it on speakerphone so that I can continue looking at the app as we talked.
Jaxon: “Hey sorry, just running late.”
Me: “That’s okay, when will you be home? And where are you?” I asked where he was because I was curious as to where he was coming from, not because I was questioning his whereabouts . . . well at least not when I originally asked the question.
Jaxon: “I’m still at the restaurant . . .”
Instantly my heart sank to my stomach, the room all of a sudden went dark and small. Jaxon continued talking, but I didn’t hear anything that he said, his voice became flat and his words became static to my ears. All that I was focused on was the little dot moving on my cell phone screen and this vice grip that started clamping onto my chest. Every time the dot moved the pain in my chest got stronger and stronger. I just caught my fiancé in a lie. That was the first time in thirteen years! I didn’t know whether I should confront him or just see if he remembers that I can actually see his location on an app on my phone.
Before I can do anything, Jaxon’s tone of his voice changed. He started stuttering and stumbling on his words and he realized he was just caught in a lie.
Jaxon: “ . . . I, I, I, hmmm, just dropped off my advisor’s son, I’m on the south end of the city, heading home now. Um . . . ah . . . check that app . . . I think it’s called Find Friends, that should tell you where I am and what time I will be home.”
“Yup I see where you are at, why did you just lie to me?” I said with an extremely unimpressed tone in my voice.
Jaxon: “I, I, I, hmmm, just didn’t want you to worry, cause I know you worry all the time.”
Me: “Worry about what? What are you hiding?”
Jaxon: “Nothing! I’m sorry! I, I, I, hmmm, just didn’t want you to worry and I thought it would be easier if I just told you that I was coming from the restaurant. I’m not hiding anything, I just dropped off a friend.”
Me: “Okay, just drive home safely and I’ll see you when you get home.”
The funny thing about being with someone for so long, is that you sometimes know them more than you know yourself . . . and I know Jax like the back of my hand. I knew he wasn’t being truly honest with me. He was hiding something, but what?
My head was swarming of thoughts not really knowing what to think, my blood starting boiling with anger . . . but then I got distracted when I heard Buddy scratching on the bedroom door. I slowly picked myself up off the bed and tried to shake off the pain coming from my chest. As I slowly walked down the stairs to the back door, I kept telling myself that there was a good explanation for the lie and I should give him the benefit of the doubt. I hadn’t felt this uneasy towards Jaxon for a long time. I had gotten over my trust issues years and years ago, and suddenly from one little lie, it’s back.
When I opened the back door to let Buddy out, the breeze of the frigid cold air slapped me on the face. My entire body shivered from my toes to my head and that seemed to shake off my insecurities regarding Jaxon’s word. It acted as a wake up call and I started questioning my own thoughts . . . “He wouldn’t lie to me without a good explanation. Something must have gone wrong,” I said aloud with a convincing voice to myself. However, I was still upset and didn’t understand why he would lie about something so small if he weren’t hiding anything. I knew that I just needed to wait for an explanation.
As soon as I let Buddy back in the house and locked the back door, I heard Jax opening the front door. Buddy quickly ran around the corner towards him, tail wagging and all. I on the other hand hesitated and pulled back slightly and slowly made my way around the corner with an unimpressed look on my face. Jaxon smiled like nothing happened. “Hey sorry I’m late.” He said, “I just dropped of my advisor’s son home because he had too much to drink. I’m so tired and it’s almost midnight, I just want to go to bed!”
He walked over towards me at the foot of the stairs, he kissed me on the cheek. His face was cold from just being outside and his breathe smelled like he just vomited beer. I didn’t smile back and I didn’t move when he pecked me on the cheek. It didn’t even faze him and he didn’t seem to care that I was upset. As we walked up the stairs and to the bedroom, he kept talking about his night as if he was trying to convince me, and himself, what actually happened. The pain in my chest hurt more and more as he kept talking, I didn’t understand why he lied to me, something was wrong, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was. He was acting completely different. The man that was always in control and never let anything faze him was not the one beside me rambling on unconvincingly. I’ve never seen this side of him before and I didn’t know how to react and I remained quiet.
There were so many questions that kept going through my head. Did he think that I was so stupid that I wouldn’t be able to tell that he was lying to me? If it was nothing, why did he have to lie over something so small? What was he hiding? How often has he been lying to me? What else has he been lying about? Is he cheating on me? No he couldn’t be, that’s not like Jax at all . . . or has that changed too?
I didn’t want to accuse him of anything because what if I was wrong? What if my head and my emotions were just playing games with me? But what if they weren’t? Was it worth creating a big issue out of a small one? Was I ready to face the consequences if my fears were true?
It was the first time in thirteen years that we went to bed without resolving an issue . . . Thirteen years! I must admit I think I was the only one who noticed that there was a problem and I should have spoken up and said something, but I didn’t want to argue. He was already so stressed at work and at school, I didn’t want to cause any more stress for him. But I knew that something was wrong with us, something different . . . we were falling apart.
“He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second and third time, till at length it becomes habitual; he tells lies without attending to it, and truths without the world’s believing him. This falsehood of the tongue leads to that of the heart, and in time depraves all its good dispositions.”
Music, movies, dancing/physical activities, books, etc. can play important roles in people’s lives, especially during hard times. I used all to help me get through the hardships. However, music had the most significant impact in my healing. I often found myself resonating to songs that express emotions in my situation or I found that the song made me dance (which I just love to do). Or sometimes I would watch movies / TV shows to just temporarily escape from the pain, the worries, etc.
In the end of (most) chapters I will be posting things that inspired me, and/or that I could relate to, or whatever got me through the ordeal. Feel free to share in the comments below what songs, movies, books, physical activity that helped you heal and/or resonate with you.
🎧 - Kaleo: Way Down We Go
🎬 - Hunger Games (all)
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
I remember that night like it was yesterday. That little white lie (something so small) crushed me. I felt betrayed.
I think that Jaxon lied because he was either trying to avoid an argument or he was hiding something. One can only imagine what he was trying to hide. Obviously, my biggest fear was that he was cheating on me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt since I didn’t have proof of any signs of infidelity other than that lie and it was completely out of character for him to lie. But there was still no turning back from that point. Once I feel betrayed I find it almost impossible to be able to trust someone after, no matter how insignificant the lie.
When Jaxon and I started dating I was scared to trust anyone, especially someone I was dating. My lack of ability to trust took a toll in the early stages of our relationship. However, throughout the thirteen years we were together Jaxon somehow managed to help me gain the ability to trust people (especially him). Now, I tend to trust people wholeheartedly almost immediately after meeting them. I don’t necessarily think that is a good way either because I find myself getting disappointed and hurt a lot. But I would rather give people the benefit of the doubt rather than always being skeptical.
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Have you been lied to and you found out, how did that make you feel? Stupid? Insignificant? Did you react in a similar way?
Have you found yourself lying to your significant other? Why?
Once a trust has been broken, is it possible to trust them again? How do you find it possible to trust someone again?