chapter two
When My Fiancé Met His Fiancé
It was another one of those nights where I was again having a hard time falling asleep. Crying myself to sleep had become a routine for the past month, but this night was different. I had no more tears left, my body and my heart didn’t ache anymore, and I’m just numb. But I’m struggling to fall asleep, my eyes wide open watching Jaxon’s chest lift rhythmically up and down and listening to him snore like a drunk fucking freight train. Again, he is in deep sleep and at peace, and I’m wide awake feeling numb.
I again spent the evening waiting patiently for Jax to come home. This time it was from watching a hockey game with his co-worker. I really wanted to go with him, but like all work related events, he never invited me. Although, I knew that he only had one other ticket for this game and he wanted to treat one of his employees. I obviously understood. However, like every other night, he promised me that he would be home early and we can at least spend some time together. After all, it was again supposed to be one of our date nights.
I felt really lonely all night. For weeks now, maybe for months, I’m not really sure, but I had been feeling lonely. Jax had continued to miss a lot of our date nights and he routinely kept breaking his promises. Eventually, I just became accustomed to his open promises and we stopped scheduling regular date nights. I kept telling myself that he was just busy at work and with his PhD. He never treated me like this before, and I was holding onto the hope that our relationship would go back to the way it was before I left for school and before his PhD.
Jax had come home later than usual because he went out for beers after the game and again, he smelled like he just vomited beer. I was not angry, or upset that he came home late. As we walked up the stairs, he kept talking about his co-worker who he took to the game and this new girl employee that he just met. I can tell that he had a lot of fun with them. He kept talking and talking and never really asked me how my night was.
I watched him ever so closely as he kept talking about this new girl employee. His face lit up, his smiles were uncontrolled, and he stumbled on his words as he tried to contain his excitement. His eyes seem to sparkle with every word that came out of his mouth. I felt this insanely sharp pain puncture the left side of my chest, my heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces. I tried really hard to mask the pain that I was feeling, but I guess I didn't do a very good job because Jax then quickly stopped talking and ended his story about his night. Like I’ve said, because we were together for so long, we knew each other deeply. Without me even saying anything to him, he could sense that I was hurting and something was wrong. However, he still didn’t ask me if I was okay, instead he feigned indifference. Or maybe he had just stopped caring.
As I was getting ready for bed, I felt the pain start receding and a numbness sensation started to engulf my body. I entered the bedroom confused to what I was feeling; I suspect that it was my body trying to protect itself.
I know I should have said something to Jax but I didn’t want to start a fight so late at night. Far worse, if I questioned him I might find what I was thinking to actually be true. I suspected my worst nightmare, that he was falling in love with someone else.
“Never second guess yourself. Trust your instincts.”
🎧 - X Ambassadors: Don’t Stay
🎬 - The Other Woman
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
Numerous times I’ve mistaken my ‘gut feeling’/intuitions with uncertainty and insecurities. I’ve learned to listen and trust in myself and realize not all ‘gut feelings/intuitions are a form of insecurity. I now know that the uneasy feeling that I felt that night was my intuition trying to tell me something. I just needed to learn to listen a little harder.
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Have you ever found yourself in similar situation where you wonder if you are just being too paranoid and the lack of trust is actually an inner insecurity? In the end were you right? Wrong?
Have you ever had any moments in your life where you had a feeling that something was wrong/off? Did you recognize what your intuition/gut was trying to tell you and walk away from the situation/person/etc.? What did you do?