chapter four
Checkmate
I didn’t know it the day before. I didn’t know it that morning. I didn’t even know it until the moment it happened. March 25, 2016 was the day that changed my life forever . . .
It’s early morning and I can hear Jaxon’s footsteps upstairs. He just woke up and he’s looking for me. He called my name from the top of the stairs, but I didn’t answer. Hearing his voice generated more tears. I dug my face into the back of the couch so he couldn’t hear me sobbing. I can hear his footsteps quickly manoeuvre down the steps, and when he turned the corner he asked “what are you doing down here?”
I couldn’t respond, all that came out of my mouth were sobbing noises. My entire body is trembling from the agony. I curled up into a ball to try to ease the pain, but nothing helps. I clutched the couch pillow for my life as if I was about to fall down the edge of a cliff. I’m grasping onto hope, but there is none left.
I felt Jaxon sit at the edge of the couch. “What’s wrong?” he asked with sincerity in his voice.
Somehow with my face still buried in the couch pillows, I managed to whisper a response between sobs, “I can’t do this anymore.” The response triggered more tears and louder sobbing noises. I didn’t think he heard me, but surprisingly he did.
Minutes went by with no one talking, and all I can hear was my uncontrollable bawling . . . then somehow I heard quiet whimpers coming from the end of the couch. I held my breath to quiet myself, I stopped crying and sat up quickly. Jaxon is sitting, hunched over on the edge of the couch, his hands covering his face, his elbows on his knees to support the weight of his head and shoulders, his body beating to the rhythm of his crying. First time in thirteen years I’m watching Jax in a completely vulnerable state and actually crying. There was complete rawness to his sobbing and I can see he is as devastated as I am. I immediately wrapped my arms around him to help ease his pain. Even though I was the cause of his pain, it was a natural instinct for me to protect him.
Between sobs and sniffles I managed to say “I’m sorry, but I’m not strong enough to continue this.” He too started to apologize. He repeatedly said “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And every time he apologized his whimpers got louder and stronger and so did mine. Minutes later, which felt like an eternity, we both stopped and there was just complete silence. We took a minute and just stared at each other . . . and in that moment I knew that it was over.
The night before, Jax went out for his employee’s going away party. I wanted to come, but again like all work events, I wasn’t invited. Once more, I stayed at home, alone with Buddy. And once again, he promised to be home early. But this time, the promise came with a condition. He said that he would be home early, only if his employee didn’t need a ride home. When he said that, right away I suspected something. He was lying. I asked who was all going to be there at the going away party, and he said just staff. What he failed to mention, is which staff members. I imagined that the other woman I suspected he was emotionally cheating on me with was there too.
Midnight approached and Jax was still not home, so I texted him to see where he was. He said that he was just about to drop off one of his employees at home, but he lived just outside the city. I looked out the window and I could see that there was a blizzard outside. I told him not to drive in those conditions because it was too dangerous, but Jaxon insisted. I looked at the Find Friends App to make sure I knew his whereabouts if something did happen. To my surprise, we weren’t connected anymore and I could not see his location. Surprise! Surprise! Everything I suspected felt more justified that night. In over a decade, I lost the ability to trust him.
He eventually arrived home at 2am. He kept repeating that he was sorry but he was driving slowly because of the weather. I was pissed off, I didn’t give a shit about his numerous excuses. I was tired of how shitty he was treating me, constantly making promises he doesn’t keep, lying to me, never making us a priority . . . and probably cheating on me. Even my friends thought he was cheating on me but I kept defending him. I kept saying that Jaxon was not that type, but honestly, I didn’t know who he was anymore. He was definitely not the man I fell in love with, but the boy I was falling out of love with.
I don’t remember what I said when I was yelling at him, but I remember looking at him and seeing that he just didn’t care and I can tell that he just wanted to go to bed. And that’s what we did, we got into bed and again not resolving our argument, he fell right asleep and was at peace. I didn’t recognize the man I was sleeping beside and I was tired of just watching him sleep so fucking peacefully! So I got up, took a pillow and a blanket and I made my way down the stairs and nestled into the couch.
I lay there with my eyes wide open, staring up onto the blank, white ceiling. My mind, my thoughts, my emotions were uncontrollable. I had finally been pushed to the very edge, this was the last place I wanted to be. I couldn’t fight it anymore, I kept telling myself: “It’s okay to walk away, it’s okay, life isn’t over, life will move on . . . for shit out loud, your own mother raised three kids on her own and one of them was your bratty ass, and she didn’t feel sorry for herself, so stop it and walk away . . . he doesn’t love you anymore, and that’s okay . . .” I repeated this to myself over and over and over again, my eyes welled up and the cold tears started flowing.
I rolled over to face the back of the couch, then I fought with myself and my own thoughts; “You owe it to him to keep fighting, just be patient enough until he’s done he’s PhD. He was patient when you were in school, he helped you through the darkest moments in your life, he fell in love with you when no one else did, he saw the beauty beyond your faults, he saw your full potential when you didn’t even see it yourself. Fight for him, like he fought for you! Thirteen years, that’s so much time invested into one person, don’t give up, don’t be a quitter, and he deserves better than a quitter!”
I continued with my own inner debate, whispering both arguments to myself, confusing myself more and more.
I kept remembering the best times of our relationship, where there was trust, honesty, passion, happiness, patience, humour, communication and love. I bawled even more because I knew that it was all gone and are now just distant memories. I didn’t recognize our relationship anymore and I knew that if I continued to be in it, I would lose every ounce of myself that I worked so hard to become. Or I could walk away now with the tiniest bit of my confidence still intact. Was our relationship worth the sacrifice? A year before this night I would not have hesitated to say yes, but at this point I didn’t know anymore.
Before I knew it, the sun was rising, the darkness was disappearing . . . and I was still torn.
I didn’t know what to do, all I knew was that I was unhappy, but I was too afraid to lose him and to lose us.
I didn’t consciously perceive what I wanted until the moment the words; “I can’t do this anymore” came out of my mouth.
I surprised myself and I definitely, surprised him.
“. . . I stayed for so long, not because I was weak but because I believed in the good person in you. I left, not because you stopped wanting me but because I no longer loved myself by loving you.”
🎧 - A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera: Say Something
🎬 - The Break-Up
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
Sometimes the hardest decision we have to make is whether to walk away or keep trying. I thought I had everything and I couldn't pinpoint out why I felt broken inside. As it turns out, I was more afraid to lose myself than settle for a relationship that was no longer making me happy. I didn’t think about breaking up with Jaxon for too long (just that night). Some may think that it was impulsive, but I know that if I had thought about it longer I would have convinced myself to not go through with it. Who knows how long it would have stretched out for and ultimately it would have probably been the exact result.
Seems a little selfish, leaving a relationship (let alone a thirteen year relationship) without trying giving it a chance to mend back together, doesn’t it? I think it is selfish to yourself to lose who you are just to try to keep someone ‘happy.’ The person who should be the priority to keep happy, is yourself. Everyone has a choice. Our choices may have a hurtful or negative effect on people we love and care about, but we only have one life to live. Who should we live it for?
Breaking up is hard and sometimes we overthink it. We hesitate because we will be out of our comfort zone and we fear what we don’t know. I didn’t know what my future would be without Jaxon. I learned that you don’t always need a plan or need to know; sometimes you just have to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Have you ever prolonged breaking up with someone? Why? Afraid to hurt them? Afraid of the unknown? Feel guilty?
Why is it sometimes that we hold off on our own happiness for someone else?