chapter five
Will Forever Be My Father
Jax and I really wanted to have a peaceful breakup because we both have seen what destructive breakups can do to people and we didn’t want that for us. We decided that we would tell everyone together, an unconventional approach, but the best decision we made.
We spent the majority of the day crying and preparing ourselves for one of the difficult parts of any breakup . . . breaking up with our families. My family loved Jax, my mother acted like he walked on water, and his family loved me as much as I loved them.
We drove to my mother’s house first, I was neither scared nor worried and I didn’t feel anything. I was numb like a zombie, walking around aimlessly. It wasn’t much of a stretch, Jax and I looked absolutely terrible; both of our faces and eyes were swollen from crying so much, we hadn’t showered or brushed our hair and we were both wearing toques to hide the mess. To top it all off, we hadn’t eaten all day. So zombie wasn’t too far off.
Jax and I were sitting in our SUV on my mother’s driveway and all of a sudden he was hesitant to go in. I looked over and he had a sense of panic in his face, and he said with his eyes watering; “if we tell people, than it will become real. I’m not ready for it to be real.” I reached over and I held his hand and I said to him with sincerity in my voice; “but it is already real.” We both shed some tears and then gathered in all our emotions, wiped the tears off of our faces and got out of the car.
We walked in my mother’s house. She had been cooking and like always, her house smelled delightful. The aroma momentarily put a smile on my face and relaxed me, but it didn’t last long. My mother was in her happy place, the kitchen. Food was already on the table, but neither Jax nor I were hungry despite how long we had gone without eating. I think she suspected something was wrong when Jax and I barely ate anything when she put out more delicious food in front of us (usually I would be stuffing my face as I’m always hungry). I asked her if we can Facetime my sister in the conversation, and when I glanced at her, her smile turned into a look of concern because she knew something was wrong. We all sat down, dialled my sister in via Facetime and we didn’t waste anytime, didn’t beat around the bush, and we revealed the news. It didn’t seem like my sister and my mom were too surprised, or maybe they were just in shock. I couldn’t tell. However, I was proud of Jax and I, we did a pretty good job in keeping our emotions intact. My mother and my sister are extremely strong women and it would of looked terrible if Jax and I were blubbering emotional fools in front of them. I knew that they had more questions, but we had to leave and go to Jaxon’s mom’s house for dinner.
His mom didn’t live too far away from my mother, it was less than a ten-minute drive. As we drove there, we were both silent and really nervous. I had a really strong relationship with his family. Jax was worried that his family would hate him, but I knew that he couldn’t do anything for them to hate him. His family is fantastic, every single one of them has a heart of gold. His father . . . the only father I’ve ever truly known, has loved me and treated me like his own daughter from day one . . . and both Jax and I knew that saying goodbye to his father was going to be the hardest moment for me. I couldn’t help but dread that moment as it drew ever closer.
As we suspected we were the last ones to arrive. As we walked in, everyone was running around getting ready for dinner and playing with our nieces and nephew. Immediately you can sense the love in the house! I was trying really hard to keep it together and I could tell that Jax was doing the same, but I knew that one of us was going to lose control of our emotions soon and it was going to be most likely me.
We said hello to everyone and it seemed as though people can read our faces, but Jax and I acted like everything was perfectly fine. I went to wash my hands in the kitchen sink and his younger sister was beside me. I saw her watching me wash my hands and then quickly looked up directly at me. We probably stared at each other for 3 seconds and I knew she realized that I wasn’t wearing my engagement ring. Nothing needed to be said between us, but she knew. I can feel my eyes starting to tear up and I quickly made my way to Jax and he knew that we had to tell them right at that moment. Everyone gathered in the kitchen and he and I stood there and the tears just started flowing. Jax couldn’t get the words out and I took it upon myself to gather all my strength and just say something. I started talking but my sentences and words were muffled by my uncontrollable whimpers. Somehow, his mom managed to understand something that was coming out of my mouth and asked “you guys are breaking up?” Both Jax and I nodded, leading to more tears.
The room went quiet, neither Jax nor I could look anyone in the eye. We both were just crying and staring down at the floor. One by one each family member gave us a hug and almost everyone was crying with us. We all sat at the table, both Jax and I barely had anything on our plates and we were both struggling to keep it together. I held his hand under the table to comfort him, and myself. We both got up from the table and decided to leave. It was too hard to stay any longer.
We were at the front door putting our shoes on and right before we were about to leave, Jaxon’s dad came over to me. He then gave me the biggest, most comfortable, loving and longest hug I’ve ever received. I nestled my head on his chest and I just bawled. He held me so tight, as if that was the last time we were ever going to see each other. I could hear his soft crying through my thick toque and I can hear Jax’s uncontainable sobs in the background. As he held me, he kept whispering in my ear: “you will always be my daughter and I will always love you.” I didn’t want to let go. I couldn’t just yet. It seemed like the only place in the world where I could find any peace from my broken heart. It just felt so right being held by him. There was just so much love in his words and his embrace.
I continue to cling on to the memory of that hug because it was the most I ever felt loved by a father.
“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”
🎧 - Alex Da Kid ft. X Ambassadors, Elle King, Wiz Khalifa: Not Easy
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
Neither one of our families really knew that we were having problems . . . well, how could they, we hadn’t even admitted to ourselves.
I often found myself talking highly of Jaxon and his accomplishments with my family. Mainly because I was proud of what he accomplished over a short period of time. However, I now also believe that I was unconsciously hiding our troublesome relationship from them and truly, from myself.
Our relationship had this fake facade. From the outside we looked strong and supportive of each other, but inside the relationship was rotting. Hiding a failing relationship from yourself, your family, your friends is much easier than actually confronting the truth. The pain was unbearable once we came around and finally accepted we had failed. However, the sooner it was revealed the sooner the healing began.
The hardest part of our breakup was the moment I had to say goodbye to his family. I was afraid of missing out seeing his nieces and nephew grow up. I loved them like my own. I was afraid of not being able to call his dad, “Dad” anymore. Or be able to call his mom for a chat. They were my second family for almost half of my life and I was afraid to lose them. I wanted to believe that I could maintain the same level of closeness with his family forever. That was naive of me. Like everyone had warned me, I have slowly lost contact with majority of his family. However, I do try really hard to keep in contact with his parents, especially his dad. Like I said, Jaxon’s dad has shown me what a father’s love is suppose to feel like and I still fear in losing that love.
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
A lot of people have given me heck for trying to keep a relationship with his family, especially his parents. I try not to listen. Why isn’t it seen as a social norm to keep a good relationship with your ex's family, especially if you were close with them?
Why is it we try to convince ourselves and other people that our relationships are better than they actually are?