chapter six
The Road To Breaking Up Is Paved With Good Intentions
Our breakup came as a surprise to both of our families and they all wanted a more detailed explanation. Jax is super close to his brother, he was the first to invite us over for dinner to discuss what happened. But we didn't have an explanation, we were still in the process of analyzing it ourselves.
We were both struggling with my decision. There were several points where I questioned whether I made the right choice and there were times where Jaxon said “I’m not ready to give us up, give me a speckle of hope, and I’ll prove to you that I can do better.” I remember looking at him and thinking to myself “bullshit.” My gut told me that those were just words, more lies and more empty promises that he was just going to break no matter how sincere he sounded. Every time he said that he was going to do better I didn’t even bother responding. At this point there were many words and actions that Jax said and did that I questioned.
We’re sitting in the SUV at a red light in silence, heading towards Jaxon’s brother’s house. I’m staring blankly at the car in front of us and all of a sudden I can hear Jaxon’s voice. At first all I heard was mumbling but as I slowly turned my head towards his direction, his voice and words became focused and clear.
“ . . . I can honestly say that I did not cheat on you. You were gone for a couple of years and I had opportunities to cheat, but I didn’t! I remained loyal . . .” He said with a convincing and proud tone to his voice.
My body relaxed on the warm leather seat, my head was resting back and I was staring at him bewildered. That comment came out of nowhere, and I didn’t know exactly how to respond. So I just nodded while my head remained rested on the car seat. I slowly turned back towards the front and sat there quietly the rest of the way, while thinking about the road that lead us here. What exactly happened to us?
It was only in the last year of our relationship that we fell apart. I was returning home from being away at school and we had to adjust our lives back together again. We didn't anticipate during the two years that we were apart that we would grow to become two different people and somehow become unrecognizable to each other. We both developed routines and habits independently from the other and neither were willing to compromise. We couldn't adjust or find the time to get to know each other again. We started to fight frequently, which was not like us at all, and by the time we broke up, the damage was irreparable.
Before I left for school we had an ideal relationship, we had a very strong bond. Our relationship was always full of compromises because we didn’t think alike and to be honest, we barely had anything in common. We balanced each other out, our personalities may have been opposite but it strongly complemented each other. That’s what we both loved about our relationship; we were opposites and enjoyed having so much to learn from each other. We inspired each other! Whether it was learning from each other's strengths or helping each other overcome our weaknesses, our relationship allowed us to be individuals and have our own identity. We didn't have to do everything together all the time. There was freedom and security in our relationship. We were able to have our own lives because we had this unbelievable trust and honesty between us.
Although our relationship prior to me leaving for school was ideal, it had not begun that way. We struggled through a lot that probably should have broke us up a long time ago, but we overcame obstacles together. Our struggles started very early in our relationship. When we first started dating, I was a lost cause and unloveable. I was full of insecurities and had been diagnosed with depression. I had a hard time dealing with all of my psychological issues by myself, but Jax supported and helped me get through it all. Back then, I was a big bitch (no exaggeration). I had the biggest temper, zero patience, I judged everyone to mask my own insecurities, my negativity and jealousy controlled me, and I felt entitled to everything that I wanted because I believed I deserved it without working hard to earn it myself. I was unhappy and blamed everyone else for it, a spoiled girl who thought negatively about the world and everyone in it. I was incapable to love and show love, to trust and be trusted, and I had no empathy for anyone but myself. All in all, I was a self-involved brat and a weak little girl.
Jax was also completely different back then. His patience was unbreakable, his humbleness was admirable, his intelligence shined in the shadows, his confidence was evident in all his actions and how he treated other people, his down to earth attitude was contagious, his sense of humour was witty and quirky, and falling in love with him was as easy as breathing. Jax was no Chris Evans, but he was still the man that every girl wanted and I was lucky that he chose me to fall in love with.
Jax had a compassionate heart and by example he taught me to trust, be kind, be patient, love wholeheartedly, and see the best in people. He even saw the best in me when no one else did, including myself. He always envisioned me as a confident, charismatic, energetic, kind-hearted, smart, and compassionate woman. Without his encouragement and his vision, I wouldn’t have had the courage to grow to be the woman I am today. I came a long way from who I was and the long journey to change was very difficult. I will always be grateful to him for he was the only one that saw the best of me no matter how horrible I was. He saw past my faults and help me conquer them to bring out my best, loving me every step of the way.
Unfortunately, in the last year our relationship weakened and neither one of us were the person that we had originally fallen in love with. I was no longer the weak girl and Jax was no longer that humble man. We changed so much that our energies did not complement each other anymore. Jax had sadly lost the true value of happiness and he had become what I know he never wanted to become . . . a narcissist.
Jax became very successful at work at a very quick rate. He is excelling in his PhD and his colleagues, friends and family constantly praise him, while his PhD advisor often feeds him compliments like he is fattening up a pig to eat. Jax deserves every single compliment and praise because he worked hard for it and he earned it. However, when I returned from school I realized that his ego had grown tremendously. He was not completely at fault there, as I had helped develop his ego. I spoke highly of him because I was proud, and I defended and agreed with him even though deep down I knew he wasn’t always right. I loved him beyond all his faults, just as he originally loved me.
He got the validation that he didn’t get before and he finally felt worthy. The validation fed into self-aggrandizing, and somehow that made him feel like he was entitled to say or do whatever he wanted. He made so many promises and talked the talk, but then broke these promises until he ended up breaking my trust. Deciding instead to ignore how much he was hurting me and attempting to justify it with half-assed apologies that I for some reason accepted. Jaxon somehow became the Justin Bieber of the highly educated; talented/smart, overly confident, privileged, and entitled.
I don’t think Jax is aware of how he acted towards me, but it was as though I was lower class and I was not good and/or smart enough to be in his ‘elite’ group. Jaxon's ego got so big that he actually thought that I loved him so much that I would stick by him through anything, even when he no longer respected me. He thought that I would always need him and he underestimated my strength, independence, and ability to walk away. Technically he wasn’t wrong; at one point in our relationship I was unbelievably in love with him and breaking up with him seemed like one of the hardest things I could do. At the end Jax unknowingly continued to categorize me as a weak little girl that needs someone for support and therefore he kept treating me like one. Throughout our final year together, I kept trying to fight my way out of that vision of his, but at times I found myself engulfed in it. Eventually though I found my strength. What Jax didn’t understand is that my confidence in myself was not fuelled by the strength of our relationship, but in reality it was our relationship that was depriving me from building my confidence even more. Due to Jaxon’s guidance throughout the majority of our relationship, I finally understood the true value of happiness, but most importantly I learned to love and respect myself. It was his lessons that made me recognize the downfall of our relationship and was ultimately what gave me the strength and ability to leave him.
“Compare yourself only to your previous self.”
🎧 - Banners: Back When We Had Nothing
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
I credit a lot of who I am today because of Jaxon. We have learned so much from each other, but what I truly learned from him is to love unconditionally without judgement. I still don’t understand what Jaxon saw in me when we were young, but somehow he found something to love. It was his unconditional love that gave me the courage to become a better person. There are no words to describe how thankful I am.
When I love someone now (whether it be a family member, friend, or love interest), I love and care without judgement. This is something I would not ever have done when I was younger, however I learned from how Jax originally loved me. Now, I try to give the people I truly care about my whole heart. Being open is frightening because you’re susceptible to getting hurt. Don’t get me wrong, at times wearing my heart on my sleeve has been difficult and has got me devastatingly hurt. Nevertheless it does not deter me from loving the way I do because I’ve received more love than heartbreak, and I understand how wonderful and empowering it is to receive such love. Experiencing the pain is a sacrifice I am willing to make, it comes with the territory and I accept that challenge if it comes along.
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Are you happy with yourself now? Why? If yes, what was the journey like that got you there? If no, what’s holding you back?
Why are most people scared to love unconditionally? Be vulnerable in a relationship (whether that be friendship or romantic relationship)?
What does it mean to you to love unconditionally?