chapter seven
I Will Always Love You
I had lived in the same city pretty much all my life. I wanted something more, I was starving for a new adventure and the decision to haul ass out of my hometown was made easier by the breakup. Two weeks after, I moved to a new city.
Jax and I spent our last weeks together going through all our stuff, purging and dividing all our belongings. We were so young when we first started dating, we made so many happy and funny memories and we couldn’t help reminisce on all the good times.
We were sitting on the bedroom floor going through boxes. I saw a photo of one of our many road trips and I couldn’t help but just laugh. “What are you laughing at?” Jax asked. “Do you remember that road trip we had when we got stopped at the border and had to pay a fine because I was giving the border officer attitude?” I said as I giggled. “Oh yeah, that was terrible! You were being such a bitch just because you were hungry and sleepy. The guy was pissed!” Jax replied. We both laughed upon remembering how immature I was being and how mad the officer got. “Do you recall how much the fine was?” I asked Jax. “Oh fuck! I don’t remember anymore but it wasn’t cheap.” Jax replied as he looked at me with an unimpressed smile while shaking his head back and forth. I gave him a mischievous smile back and shrug my shoulders. We both went quiet, but the smiles on our faces remained.
I then reached into another box and pulled out one of our photo albums. “Oh my gosh, I haven’t looked at this for awhile!” I said with enthusiasm as I brushed off the dust from the cover and opened it. The first few pages of the album displayed numerous movie ticket stubs (yes, I kept those and placed them in a photo album because I’m a hoarder when I was younger). Jax raised his head and looked over at the album pages as I turned them. “Holy shit! We went to so many movies!” Jax recalled as we both giggled when we realized how much money we had invested in going to see movies in the theatres.
It was honestly nice spending the time together going through all our stuff and looking back on the great memories of our relationship. It was probably the first time in a year when we spent days and evenings together and actually enjoyed each other’s company.
But that came to an end . . .
The day the movers came Jax was away on a business trip and that day was extremely tough for me.
I was upstairs in our bedroom packing the last box, when the doorbell rang. My head bolted straight up and my body froze, I couldn't get myself to move. On the other hand Buddy didn't hesitate to run down the stairs to the door, madly barking as he went. My mom who was helping with cleaning and packing answered the door. I can hear the muffled conversation between her and one of the movers. The voices downstairs began to fade and were suddenly replaced with a sense of panic; my breathing became heavy as if there was this great weight on my chest. It hit me right there and then - I’m leaving for good!
Minutes later I somehow calmed myself down enough to be able to pick up the final box and make my way down the stairs. When I turned the corner the movers were already at it. They were working fast, wrapping all the big furniture, tagging and listing all the boxes. I was watching them struggling with our massive couch, and as they awkwardly carried it towards the truck I remember thinking, “I am literally watching my life walk out the door.” That's when I started hyperventilating.
That couch held so much of our memories. We spent so many nights cuddling and watching Netflix, this was our favourite pastime when we weren’t watching movies in the theatres. I recall some of the moments when I felt the most love in our relationship on that couch. Moments when we had nothing but each other and my favourite place to be was always in his strong arms on the couch . . .
There was this one week where I had to sleep on the living room floor . . . I was diagnosed with a really bad form of bed bugs known as scabies. This required me to be quarantined in our apartment for five days and I couldn’t sleep on the bed to prevent the scabies from spreading. Every night I had to sleep on the living room floor. I remember constantly complaining because I was so miserable and uncomfortable. The whole time Jax slept on the couch beside me instead of sleeping on our comfortable king size bed. He ignored my whining and how annoying I was being and he was really patient and understanding through it all. The best part was that every night as we nestled in to go to bed, one of his arms would hang over the edge of the couch and as his hand dragged on the floor, he would reach over and hold mine just to comfort me and assure me that I was not alone through this whole ordeal. I remember looking up at him from the floor and I saw so much affection and love in his eyes . . .
. . . The hyperventilating continued as the movers kept taking every single piece of furniture and box into the moving truck. I can feel my knees starting to shake. The space around me felt like it was spinning like I was on a merry go round. I thought I was going to faint so I desperately reached for the wall and I burrowed my entire body in the corner of the living room. I stared at my mom with tears flowing down my face and I blurted out "what the fuck am I doing?" For the first time ever in my life I had no goals or plans for my future and I didn’t have the support and comfort of my best friend. I broke and I couldn’t handle it.
I remember the movers stopping what they were doing, putting whatever they were carrying down and looking at me with concern. Somehow between the crazy breathing I told them to keep going. My mom was there crying with me and hugging me “Are you sure this is what you want?” She asked as she cried. “No, I’m not sure about anything anymore.” I replied. She hugged me and held me tight. She caressed my hair like she use to when I was a little girl and I stayed there cradled in her arms until I calmed down.
An hour later, I was watching the moving truck drive down the street with all my belongings. My mom also left and I went back inside the almost empty house. I sat on the living room floor beside Buddy and I stared blankly at him as I slowly petted him. I was feeling empty as I sat there absorbing and accepting the uncertainty in my life and future.
The last few days Jax and I had together flew by and before I knew it we were standing in the airport where I was about to fly off to my new adventure in a new city.
It was one of the saddest moments in my life. First and foremost, like I predicted, by that time Jax’s attitude about trying again and proving to me he was going to do better was gone. Second, we didn’t know when we were going to see each other again. And finally saying goodbye to my best friend for nearly the last half of my life was extremely difficult.
Jax and I were in front of the security gates at the airport. We were holding hands, leaning on each other as the tears were flowing down our faces. We didn’t say much to each other, just held each other in silence. We knew we only had a short time together before we had to say goodbye. Jax wrapped his arms around me and I hugged him tightly like it was the last time I was going to hold him and neither one of us wanted to be the first to let go.
His voice was soft and trembling as he whispered to me “I will always love you.” We slowly let go of each other, looked at each other with sadness in our eyes and without saying anything else he turned around and walked away. I was frozen, my heart was torn to pieces, tears streamed down my face as I watched him disappear into the horde of people. I wondered if I made the right decision or was I watching the love of my life walk away from me forever. I had no clue. Only time can tell me that.
I was standing unmoving, wallowing in my own self-pity. I had probably stood in the same spot for only minutes, but it felt like it had been hours. I shook my head to snap myself back to reality. I wiped the tears from my face. I inhaled deeply and as I exhaled I forced myself to turn around to face the line-up at security. “Let’s do this,” I quietly said to myself as my lips quivered.
Slowly. Step by step. I made myself move forward.
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
Almost all breakups/divorce that I’ve seen either had one person be so angry at the other or both parties hated each other that they could not maintain a friendship . . . except Jaxon’s parents. His parents are divorced and are best friends. They were able to look beyond the flaws in their relationship/marriage and make a friendship work. Their friendship is admirable and I have so much respect for both of them.
Prior to the airport, Jaxon and I agreed that we would have a great friendship just like his parents. We both knew that remaining friends was not the social norm, but when we made the decision neither one of us cared. We just knew that we wanted to remain in each others lives. It was going to be a lot of work but we were determined not to hate each other and prove to ourselves, and everyone, that we could maintain a friendship.
We both had made mistakes within the past year and we both let our relationship deteriorate. We were two different people and we both had accepted that and neither one of us could be mad at the other for growing up. It was just unfortunate that we didn’t grow together.
Breakups don’t have to be messy. Moving on doesn't necessarily have to be this dramatic event where we end up arguing and hating each other. We chose to forgive each other for all the mistakes we both made and we accepted that phase of our life was over. We also knew that it was going to be hard to move forward, but at that point we knew that there was no turning back. We had to let go (without anger) and free ourselves from the commitment we made to each other.
🎧 - Emily Rowed: Burn
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Are you friends with your ex? Was it difficult to maintain?
Why is it considered the social norm to cut all ties with your ex? Is it that much easier?