chapter eleven
Life's All About Balance
Jax’s visit approached quicker than I anticipated. When he arrived, it immediately felt different. I realized that I was no longer in love with him and I needed to see him again to fully come to terms with that. I know that I will always love him but I wasn’t willing nor did I want to move mountains for him anymore. I finally learned that my happiness will always come first and being with him no longer made me happy.
We spent the three days just doing what we usually would do when we were together; we went for breakfast, lunch and dinner, we walked Buddy together, we went and watched a movie in the theatres (like we use to when we were younger), we had sex, we went and checked out tourist things, and just hung out. Yes, these were things we used to do, but the difference was that there wasn’t any more passion towards each other. There was no chemistry left, sex was just for sex. Sex with Jax might as well have been a one-night stand with a complete stranger and I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. There was barely any chemistry left, only comfort.
During his visit we ended up doing something we probably should have done before we broke up, we went to ‘couples’ counselling with my psychologist. The intention was not to try to get back together but just to have a better understanding what happened and help us both move on.
It was early Friday morning and I had taken the day off from work to spend time with Jax. We were walking Buddy at the off-leash dog park by my apartment and Jax was quieter than usual. I can tell that he was nervous and a little anxious for the appointment. The session was most likely going to be emotional and neither one of us were looking forward to it. Out of all three of us, the only one truly happy that morning was Buddy who was running around humping every other dog in sight. Watching Buddy enjoy himself momentarily brought smiles to both our faces and we couldn't help but laugh.
However, the smiles and laughter didn’t last long, both Jax and I were quiet on the way to the doctor’s office. My palms were sweating and I was nervous because I really didn’t know how the session was going to go, but I was trying to remain hopeful that it was going to benefit both of us.
As we walked in, my doctor had reorganized her office with three armchairs in a triangular configuration. It’s not a big office and it was as comfortable as it was going to get in there. I quickly sat by the window, my doctor sat to my right and Jaxon was to my left. Introduction was easy because prior to the session Jaxon and my doctor had already talked on the phone for an informal and quick session.
The session began with Jaxon and I talking briefly about the timeline of when we met till the end of our relationship. We alternated talking back and forth about our life together as the doctor wrote notes and drew a timeline of our relationship.
“We met in grade 4 when she moved to my school” he said.
“We kissed in grade 6” I added. We both smiled as we remembered how wet the kiss was, even though it was just a peck on the lips.
He continued and said, “We hung out in the same group of friends throughout high school.”
“We had crushes on each other, but nothing came out of it because it was never the right timing.” I added. “After high school, we didn’t see each other for almost 6 months and saw each other again at the bar with a group of our friends.”
“Oh yeah!” Jax said with enthusiasm “she was wearing something really revealing!” We all laughed as he continued smiling from ear to ear. I can tell he was remembering the outfit I was wearing and how flirtatious we were both that night.
“It was shortly after that night, we started dating.” I added.
I continued summarizing our years together; “From then we both continued in university until 2009. By that time we had two undergraduate degrees each. However, Jax was still on the fence about his career and I encouraged him to continue his studies in a profession that he truly loved. I ended up working full time in my field while Jax was in school. That was our thing, we supported each other when we pursued our careers.”
Jaxon continued the conversation, “Shortly after I finished my masters I ended up getting a really good job in my field, same job I have now. We were already living together before . . .”
“That was the best!” I said abruptly interrupting him. We both gave each other a half smile, while trying to hold back the tears that were generated from the happy memories of living together . . .
“. . . before she left!” he continued.
“Where did you go Yra?” The doctor asked.
“I decided to go back to school and complete my masters degree in a different city.” I quietly said as the guilt over leaving took hold of my heart.
“It was the best decision she made. She grew so much while she was away. She became very independent and I’m proud of how strong she became. She would not have been able to do that if she remained back home with me. Plus she has never wanted to remain in our hometown, I know she only stayed because of me.” Jaxon quickly added in hopes to help ease my guilt that I probably made obvious with the expression on my face.
Throughout the two years that I was away, we missed each other tremendously. It was tough at first, but we made a pact to see each other every 1 ½ to 2 months. I would go back to my hometown during holidays and Jax came to visit every other time. In one of Jaxon’s visit, he proposed and planned an amazing engagement weekend. It was beautiful and one of our most memorable weekends!
Then in my last semester of school Jax started his PhD at a university back home and still working full time. And finally, a year after graduation and moving back to our hometown, we broke up.
“Alright!” Said the doctor as she shook her head up and down, “it sounds like you both are career oriented and obviously the majority of your relationship you were both in school.” She then turned towards Jaxon with paper and pencil in hand and looked at him intently. “I’m curious to know what your version is of the last year of your relationship. I know her version, so I want to know what you perceived happened.”
I was curious too and I turned my entire body towards Jaxon. Jax was sitting leaning back on his chair, both his arms were resting on the chair, his legs spread out comfortably. As she asked the question, there was approximately 30 seconds of silence. Jax sat up and adjusted his position; he put his legs closer together, leaned his elbows on his knees, and bowed his head down to his hands to cover his face. His position reminded me of the moment on the couch when I broke up with him; when his hands were over his face and his body moved in the beat of his sobs. But this time I didn’t throw my hands over his body to comfort him or cry with him (like I did when I originally broke up with him), but I let him deal with the situation and the emotions on his own.
He then slowly sat right back up, his eyes red as he let the tears flow down his cheeks. “When she returned back from school, I had already been engulfed in my PhD for months and I was working full time as well. Both my job and my PhD are demanding, especially my advisor who can only meet me at certain times of the day, which is mostly in the evenings,” Jaxon said as his voice cracked as he spoke. “I was extremely stressed and I didn’t know how to balance everything. I know when she had returned she wanted us to spend more time together, but I didn’t make the time. I didn’t want to talk about weddings, or anything else for that matter other than focusing on school and work. In the back of my mind, I felt as though she would remain with me no matter how little effort I made. But every time she would bring up spending time together and not working so much, I would get pissed off, tell her that she was being too needy, and I didn’t have time. I started associating her with every stressor in my life; my job, my PhD, the wedding, the renovations that needed to be completed around the house, finances, almost everything. I unintentionally treated her poorly because I associated her with the stress in my life because I continued to see her as weak and needy and I didn’t realize how strong she had become until after she broke up with me.” Jax leaned back on his chair and again placed his hands over his face as he threw his head back. His guilt (and a bit of regret) took over his emotions and he continued to cry.
“Did you cheat, physically or emotionally?” Asked the doctor. Jax cleared his throat, wiped the tears from his face, lowered the tone of his voice and denied the accusations like he did before with me.
As Jax spoke I felt my chest tightening, my eyes filled with tears as I saw him in agony. I felt bad that he felt so guilty. However, at the same time, I felt relieved. Everything I was concerned and feeling insecure about within the past year of our relationship has finally been confirmed, I was right the entire time. Well . . . apparently not the cheating part, but at least 99% of everything else.
“It appears to me that your lives ran parallel together for the majority of your relationship, until it slowly began to drift away from each other” said the doctor as she expressed the paths with her hands and arms forming a Y shape. “That is normal in a relationship, especially one that has lasted as long as yours. But it seems as though she redirected her path to try to mend the distance between you both; fits Yra’s personality, a fighter. However Jaxon your trajectory was too far-gone. This happens to a lot of relationships, where one person tries hard to make the relationship work but the other can’t give the same effort. For a relationship to work, both parties have to redirect their path to run parallel again.” Her arms came quickly together pointing straight up as she ended her sentence.
“Exactly!” I concluded out loud.
“Sometimes those paths may in the future come back together. But it appears to me that you both have accepted your own paths and I think you both are handling your circumstance and breakup really well and maturely. Be proud of that!” The doctor stated as our session came to an end.
The session was extremely helpful, it was the closure we needed. The rest of the weekend was very positive and we both were in a good place. I even ended up giving Jax his birthday present; a framed photo of Buddy humping another dog, with a quote that said ‘life’s all about balance.’ This made both of us laugh and it was the perfect ending to a perfect farewell weekend.
We knew that most couples who break up do not remain friends. But we didn’t want each other out of our lives. We promised each other that we would remain friends and be honest, including being honest if either one of us seriously started dating someone else. We both knew that if our friendship was going to work, the key ingredient was going to be honesty.
To continue our progress of healing and to give our friendship the best possible chance, we decided to make another 30-day no contact pact and we would not contact each other again until the end of July.
We parted that weekend, with less emotion than we did months before. There were no tears shed and walking away from him was as easy as breathing . . . It was for me at least.
“Everyone has the ability to change and balance out their life. The question is, are you willing to take the risk and make the change or do you continue to live it like you are now?”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
There’s a preconception that going to see a psychologist/marriage counsellor means that you are mentally unstable/insane and that you have failed, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that with all cases. It’s often helpful to talk to a third party who has no emotional investment on you or in your relationship. Going to a professional has been essential to my growth these past several years.
I try not to live with regret and I am not saying that I regret this, but the one thing that Jaxon and I never gave a try was going to a relationships/marriage counsellor before we broke up. It probably would not have helped, just prolonged the inevitable. But it probably would have at least helped with our communication issues. Seeing my psychologist after we broke up really helped us, she asked questions that we never even thought to ask ourselves and we left her office having more respect for one another.
I know several successful relationships/marriages that regularly see a counsellor because they all understand that relationships/marriages take a lot fucking work. Sometimes a referee is needed to keep everything civil when you both are being brutally honest and defensive. I’ve also seen couples go to counselling when their relationship is in the brink of a breakup and through it have saved their relationship.
🎧 - Yelawolf: Till It’s Gone
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Have you gone to a marriage/relationship counsellor? Did it help?
Do you see a psychologist/therapist? Do they help? How so?