chapter ten
The Unspoken Truth
Jaxon and I hadn’t spoken for over two weeks. For the first time in a long time I started living my own life and began to focus on myself. Not only did I go on a date but I also started running and exercising again. However, after going on a date with Tyson I couldn’t help but think about Jax. I was trying really hard to keep my shit together and respect the 30-day no contact pact that we made. Everyday I would check my phone approximately 50 times a day (possibly more) to see if Jaxon would text or call . . . It was pathetic and I knew it. But day by day the frequency lessened and moving on got easier and easier.
It was early in the morning and I was about to head out to walk Buddy when my cell phone starting buzzing. I looked at the caller ID and it was Jax. I froze and just remained staring at the phone in my hand as it continued to vibrate. I hesitated to answer it, but I gave in to the curiosity.
I answered the phone with the happiest hello anyone could of asked for, but Jax didn't answer. There was a moment of silence and then I heard the faintest of whimpers on the other end of the line. Jax was clearly upset and crying. Hearing him so upset broke my heart and I can feel a knot form in my stomach. I felt this sense of guilt take over my body.
I repeated my “hello” but this time without the happy tone in my voice. “Hi” Jax replied back as he tried to prevent the whimpers from turning into full blown sobbing. I can hear his struggle in his voice as he spoke. I quickly held my hand over my mouth to muffle the noise struggling to come out of me as I feel myself begin to cry. My eyes started to water and I was swallowing trying to keep my emotions together.
“Are you okay?” I asked trying to sound calm and sincere. “Why are you calling?”
“I don't know, I just wanted to hear your voice. You sound like you're doing well.” Jax replied as he finally gave into fully sobbing. He wasn’t wrong, I was doing well, obviously much better than he was. However, I kept quiet. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called.” He kept repeating as he cried.
“It's okay.” I said softly.
Realizing that I was not getting emotional as he expected, Jax stopped crying, cleared his throat and calmed himself down. “I'll be there for a conference in about two weeks.” He said with a calmer tone to his voice.
“Okay” I said. “You're welcome to stay on the couch if you want, to save money.” I said, not thinking that he would actually take me up on the offer.
“That would be great, thanks.” He replied. We talked a little bit longer, but only about the logistics of the his upcoming visit. It was obvious that he was struggling from getting too emotional, but we ended the conversation cordially.
I knew he called because he missed me and hearing his voice made me sad and miss him too. But he still shouldn’t have called. However, a few days later I felt the repercussions of Jaxon’s call. Him calling and breaking our 30 day no contact pact fucked me up. It confused and angered me and I felt as though I lost the momentum of my progression! I had called Jax back a few days after and just yelled at him for not respecting our pact and ultimately me! This was a typical selfish move by Jaxon, always looking out for what would make him feel better and what is best for him without considering the consequences of his actions and words on me.
What was the point of calling at that point? I don’t fully know what his intention was, but it stopped my progression on moving on.
Due to my previous actions during my psycho bitch phase, I had gone and talked to a psychologist. Originally all I wanted was for a professional to tell me that what I was going through and the way I was acting was normal in a breakup and that I actually was not a psycho bitch. Talking with someone who was not personally invested in mine and Jaxon’s life was refreshing. My psychologist was essential to my progress and receiving her validation that I was in the right path to healing (and that I was not a psycho bitch) was reassuring. The more I went to see her, the easier it got to deal with the pain, the loss, and the failure.
After Jaxon’s call and my retaliation to his call, I went and saw my doctor again. My intention of this particular session with her was to clarify why Jax ended up calling during our no contact period and my reaction was validated. Obviously she didn’t know the exact reason why he called and she didn’t fully validate/approve of my reaction. However, talking with her again helped me tremendously because she provided the confirmation that I was still healing even with my perceived setback.
The most important item I took away from my session with my psychologist is the term ‘gaslighting.’ She had mentioned it in previous sessions, but for some reason it was in this session that it stuck in my mind. I went home after that session and did some research on the term gaslighting and I had learned that gaslighting is a manipulation technique and a form of emotional abuse.
As I continued researching I couldn’t stop thinking about several of my fights with Jaxon; including (but not limited to) the night I caught his first lie, the one afternoon where he threw the remote control across the room, and our subsequent fights following.
I found this particular article written on the Psychology Today website listing the typical techniques used by people who gaslight. As I read the article intently, I couldn’t help but cry since I realized that Jaxon had used several of the listed techniques on me (whether he consciously knew what he was doing it or not). It was devastating to realize even more that the man I fell so deeply in love with was completely gone.
Technique 1: They tell blatant lies.
This was obvious when I caught him lying that night when I used the Find Friends App. Catching him in a single lie (whether it was small or not) made me off edge and kept me questioning him and his word.
Technique 2: They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.
I remember driving to work and during one of our fights I brought up that night when he mentioned his new woman co-worker and what I perceived was happening because I had a ‘gut’ feeling. He denied that he had any feelings for her, or that he spoke about her with excitement in his voice and since I had no tangible evidence, he insisted that everything was all in made up in my head from my insecurities.
Technique 3: They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.
Jaxon had watched me grow from a very insecure girl to a more confident woman. I worked hard to overcome my insecurities. Yes, originally I changed because I was afraid to lose Jaxon, but over the years I just became someone I wanted to be proud of. However, during our fights Jaxon would use it against me . . . trying to make me believe that it was my insecurities that was the root of our relationship issues and it was what was causing him more stress.
Technique 4: They wear you down over time & Technique 5: They know confusion weakens people
At first I fought him and denied it when Jaxon would use my insecurities against me during our fights . . . eventually though I started believing him and I ended up accepting his interpretation, took the blame and convinced myself that all the issues that I had brought up was all in my head. I remember repeating to myself that; “he’s right, your insecurities are getting the best of you . . .” and I felt ashamed for everything. After our fights I would feel extremely guilty for making him so stressed and found myself overcompensating and doing whatever I could to make his life easier and stress free. I was losing the ability to believe in myself and all I wanted was to just do the right thing for once.
Technique 6: Their actions do not match their words
I questioned whether Jaxon was still in love with me at the end of our relationship. I would often ask to have date nights and he would often make promises that he was going to make time. I looked forward to those nights because I felt like our relationship was a priority to him. But he ended up breaking those promises often.
Technique 7: They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.
Jaxon would mention how proud he was for all my accomplishments; whether that be from school or progression from the 18 year old girl. Or when he would promise to have date night. His words meant a lot to me and I used them as reassurance.
Technique 8: They project.
I didn’t realize it when it was happening, but after reading this article it hit me . . . It was Jaxon who was becoming insecure; from the anxiety he was feeling with everything that was going on in his life (his stressful job, the pressure he was feeling with his PhD, the strain he felt with all the repairs that needed to be completed in the house, and trying to please all his family, friends, and me). He was doing really well in his PhD and his work, but I knew he was uncertain since he was not valued in either. Unfortunately he insisted that it was my insecurities that were the cause of his problems and was causing him a lot more stress in his life.
Technique 9: They try to align people against you, Technique 10: They tell others that you are crazy & Technique 11: They tell you everyone else is a liar.
These are the three techniques from the article that didn’t relate to the situation with Jaxon and I. Neither one of us talked about our relationship issues with family and friends when it was actually happening. I do remember once that I defended Jaxon when one of my friends was suspicious about him working extremely late in the evening with his PhD advisor; she believed that he was cheating. I told Jaxon that she was suspicious and he said in a calm voice, “she doesn’t know me though.” And he was right, she barely knew him.
Reading this article, learning and recognizing that I suffered from minor psychological abuse opened my eyes. It had become this unspoken truth between us and I wasn’t sure whether Jaxon calling during our 30-day no contact pact was another one of his manipulative techniques, but he again won . . . I let his actions stop and control my progress, again.
“A lover doesn’t discourage your growth. A lover says, ‘I see who you are today, I cannot wait to see who you become tomorrow’ ”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
I gave Jaxon a lot of credit for helping me grow while we were together. What I don’t give him credit for is also being the person who limited me the most, especially in the end. Since Jax helped me and because I loved him so much, I turned a blind-eye to what was happening. I didn’t want to accept we were falling apart. I didn’t want to accept that the man I fell in love with no longer existed. I didn’t want to accept that I failed . . . that WE had failed. So I accepted his accusations and took the blame.
I know that Jax didn’t realize what he was actually doing. He didn’t purposely try to make me feel like shit about myself or for me to take all the blame, but he unknowingly was making himself feel good through putting me down. For the majority of our relationship, Jaxon was the better half, but in the end he was the one that became the 'psycho bitch.' His newly developed insecurities took hold and as a result he started treating me poorly to mask his weaknesses. His actions had a psychological effect on me. It was unfortunate that I hadn’t recognized what was happening until after we broke up.
Check out the website with the article here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting
If you feel like you may be experiencing something similar in your relationship and/or life, I would suggest to do further research and see a professional. Situations like this is never easy. You will need as much support as possible. I’ve done a lot of research on gaslighting and psychological abuse in relationships (I’m no expert), but if you need someone to talk with, please do not hesitate to reach out - yra@wakingupfrombreakingup.com. I am happy to help as much as I can.
🎧 - Alex & Sierra: Broken Frame
🎬 - Gaslight (1944)
🤾♀️🚴🏻🏊🏻🏃🏻♀️ - Running & Swimming
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Seeing a psychologist doesn’t necessarily mean that you are insane or suffer from mental illness, sometimes you just need to talk to a professional. Do you go see a therapist or psychologist and if so, how have they helped you?
Have you suffered from emotional/psychological abuse? How did you recognize it? How were you able to get out of it? How did/how are you recovering?