chapter thirteen
It's All Just Shit
“Hmmmm . . . gravity has definitely taken a toll.” I said out loud to Buddy as I stood in my walk-in closet in my undergarments staring at myself in the mirror. Buddy looked back at me and tilted his head to the side, confused to what I just said. I smiled and let out a giggle as I said to him; “I’m confused too! I don’t know when this happened?!?”
I looked back in the mirror and my eyes scanned my entire body. My face cringed with disgust as I noticed the stretch marks, the scars, the lack of gap between my thighs, the love handles on my hips, my veining legs and feet, my tired looking hands, my droopy breasts and ass, the laugh lines on my forehead, and bags under my eyes . . . It was not my best look. Actually, it was the best shape I had been since I played competitive sports (but less toned), but my eyes and my mind saw something ugly.
After seconds of just looking at myself in the mirror, I let my entire body collapse to the floor beside Buddy. My body went rubber and numb as if it just gave up with my mind. I slid my back towards the wall and I tucked and hugged my knees into my chest. I buried my head in between my knees and I just let the tears flow. “What is wrong with me?” I asked myself out loud. Buddy maneuvered himself to sit directly beside me and placed his head on my feet and his cute puppy eyes looked directly at me, as if he knew what was happening. His comfort was the best hug I could have asked for at that exact moment.
“How can someone love me, I’m so ugly? People must think I’m a failure? I can’t believe that I’m in my thirties and alone? If Jaxon fell out of love with me after thirteen years, then no one could love me? Be honest with yourself, Yra, of course Liam didn’t like you! Oh my god, I’m going to be alone forever . . .” My thoughts were sporadic, my head was uncontrollable and my emotions couldn’t bare it. I was feeling sorry for myself and I let myself fall into this spiral of negativity.
. . . I opened my eyes . . . I looked around and I was still on my closet floor but had fallen asleep in the fetal position (still in my undergarments). Buddy was beside me, keeping me warm and snoring as he was enjoying his nap. I can’t recall how long I fell asleep floor, but I must have cried myself to sleep, because my eyes felt heavy and swollen. I slowly pushed myself up off the floor, I took several deep breaths (somehow my heavy breathing woke up Buddy from his nap), I closed my eyes and gathered up all my strength and then quickly rocketed my entire body off the floor!
“Fuck that Yra!” I said to myself as I fully got up, I shook my body back and forth like I was trying to shake off the insecurities. Buddy stood straight up and also shook his body as if he thought we were playing a game. I laughed as he stopped and stared at me with this big grin on his cute puppy face. It was that moment I realized that I had two options; First option is to continue to live in guilt, sorrow, self-pity, etc. Or, the second option is to change how I perceive myself.
The worst thing about being self aware is that you have to admit to yourself how fucked up you still are. I knew how fucked up my mind was and how low my self esteem was, but I also knew that I didn’t want to be in that state of mind. I also knew that the only person who can get me out of this low, was me.
I knew that my problems and insecurities compared to the problems and issues around the world are miniscule, solvable, and only dramatic in my own head. Everything I was feeling and stressed about ultimately didn’t matter because it is all just shit!
I made it my goal to face my weaknesses/insecurities head on and to train myself to let go of everything I feared. I feared rejection in all aspects of my life (friends, strangers, lovers/significant others, family, job, etc.). I cared what people thought of me (whether I was physically ugly, stupid, boring, etc.) and for the longest time I saw myself worth from how much Jax loved me. Well . . . Jax’s love is gone, who the fuck cares what other people think, and why get so stressed over the smallest things in life. I had to find my worth myself and to do that I had to take responsibility for what I needed to change and stop beating myself up for everything. There is no perfect time to start, so that day in my closet I began the journey to change . . .
One step at a time, I slowly rebuilt my confidence.
The first thing I did was write at least 10 things each that I thought were my best and worst qualities about myself. Writing the list of worst qualities was easy and I surpassed 10 things (majority were mainly physical attributes that I hated). However, writing my best qualities about myself seemed impossible. I sat there, for what felt like hours, staring at the blank piece of paper . . . then finally I thought of my one favourite quality about myself; my sense of humour. I take pride in my sense of humour; someone could tell the cheesiest joke and I will find it funny. People can tease me and I will be the first to laugh with them. Sometimes I think I am funnier than most of my friends . . . I am not though, but I like to think I am.
The second thing I did was make mini goals for the day, then try to achieve them throughout the day. When I mean mini goals, I literally mean tiny, small goals. For instance, I would put one goal to take Buddy on a longer walk by 5 minutes in the morning. And run for an additional half a mile (almost 1 km). The next day I would make similar goals but slightly add to it (additional 5 minutes to the walk in the morning with Buddy, etc.) and with each day I continued this. Eventually my goals got harder and every little achievement and even failures made me push harder.
This change was not an overnight success, to be honest, I still working on stuff now. But it had to begin somewhere.
I started working on changing my perspective, whether it was in the way I thought about myself or how I react and feel on how people thought and treated me; everyday I would find something to love about my body. This change started off small, such as finding my dimples adorable when I smile, therefore I smiled more often. I limited myself to care about only certain opinions of other people, because it’s our own opinion of ourselves that matter the most. Taking control, owning and focusing on my own thoughts/perception made me less embarrassed and minimized my overthinking. I try hard not to get angry at people because I realized that my anger didn’t affect their life but it greatly decreased the quality of mine. I put my ego aside and that limited the things that I took personally. Eventually when I stopped measuring the quality of my life compared to other people’s, I felt worthy and the jealousy stopped.
I made a promise to myself to base every decision I make and everything I do on my own happiness. I found happiness in the little things. Such as spending time and playing with Buddy. I was happy just being on my own, sometimes . . . most of the time . . . I prefer being alone. I found happiness when I meet new people and developed new friendships that are more than surface connections. But the biggest promise I made myself, is to remain true to myself. To do things that would make me proud. Treat others with respect, be honest, loyal, be there for people, to be transparent to myself and to the people who I surround myself with, to be more forgiving to myself and love my body a little bit more everyday, and to face my fears. My biggest fear was to put myself out there again. So I made a goal to face my fears and wear my heart on my sleeve, because it seemed logical at the time that taking a risk will be worth it more than closing myself off to the possibility.
Slowly but surely I taught myself to give NO FUCKS. I was more patient and relaxed and I was more open about what did bother me and what I actually didn’t care about. That summer I learned the biggest lesson; all of it, the fears, the insecurities, the negative thoughts of my body were all just completely useless shit!
“. . . being open with your insecurities paradoxically makes you more confident and charismatic around others. The pain of honest confrontation is what generates the greatest trust and respect in your relationships. Suffering through your fears and anxiety is what allows you to build courage and perseverance . . . Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associative negative experience . . . The avoidance of suffering, is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle, is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful, is itself a form of shame . . . to try to avoid pain, is giving too many fucks about pain. In contrast if you are able to not give a fuck about the pain, you become, unstoppable!”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
A lot of people (men and women) have moments similar to the one I had in my walk-in closet, but no one ever talks about it. No one ever wants to admit it.
Releasing this chapter made me nervous because I’m completely vulnerable. I am sharing a moment, that I am sure everyone goes through, but barely anyone talks about. It was the lowest moment I had that summer. It brings tears to my eyes knowing how insecure I was and how shitty I felt about myself and my body. But it was also the moment that I knew that I had to change my perspective of myself. I didn’t want to pretend that I was confident, I wanted to actually feel confident in my myself and in my body.
The first thing I found in rebuilding my self esteem was to be kind to myself. We are our own biggest critic, and we have to remember to not be so harsh on ourselves. The tougher we are on ourselves, the less we develop because then we are constantly feeling like a failure. What helped the most is that I spoke to myself a lot (most of the time, out loud). What I mean, is that I often reminded myself that I was as deserving of success and happiness as anyone else and that I was beautiful in my own little way. It’s meant to convince myself that I am worthy and that failure is part of growth and eventually it worked. Self forgiveness is the best way to grow and eventually I was able to change my negative thoughts into positive motivation.
Second thing in rebuilding self esteem is to not be afraid to confront your insecurities. Even though we are our own biggest critics, we can also be our biggest liars to ourselves. Sometimes we ignore and don’t admit what we are insecure about. To get over our insecurities and to build our self-esteem we have to HONESTLY admit to ourselves what we are insecure about for us to be able to grow from it.
The third thing I did to rebuild my self esteem was to be accountable for my insecurities and then do something about it. I admitted to myself what I was insecure about and I made the change. Some of the changes I made was that when I wanted to be in better shape, I signed up for a half marathon and I started training. When I didn’t feel like I was a good dog owner because my dog doesn’t obey me that often, therefore I walked him longer each time and I scheduled more time to play and train him in the evenings . . . No one else is going to make the changes for us, it is up to us to take action.
The other little things that I did was try not to worry about what people think of me. I kept telling myself that if people judge me, that says more about them, then it does of me. Their opinions don’t matter, what matters is the opinion I have of myself.
I also tried not to compare myself to anyone else. Everyone’s life journey is different from one another. No one’s life is perfect even though it may seem like it from the outside.
I tried hard to not let my fears consume me because I knew that most of my fears were not life threatening. My fears consisted mostly of anxiety about getting hurt from some event in the future. I constantly had to remind myself what I feared was not life threatening and to live in the present and not worry whether I will get hurt in the future. (For the people who have the fears that are actually life threatening for them, such as fear of heights, I am not sure what to do to actually get over that fear . . . sorry).
Eventually as I rebuild my self esteem and my confidence I was able to give myself credit for my accomplishments, able to be comfortable in my own skin, able to speak my mind (in a non aggressive way), able to defend myself (internally and externally), and set clear boundaries and know my limits with people.
Eventually I was able to trust my instincts and not give too much shits about anything. When you learn to trust yourself and don’t let your inner fears consume you, in the words of Mark Manson, you become unstoppable!
🎧 - Jess Glynne: Ain't Got Far To Go
📖 - Mark Manson: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (Can’t emphasize enough how great this book is)
🤾♀️🚴🏻🏊🏻🏃🏻♀️ - Running
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Everyone has their own way of building their self-esteem; what is your way?
Why is it we are all afraid to face our insecurities? Because we have to admit we are flawed? But we are all flawed.
If you haven't yet, make a list of your 10 best and worst qualities for your own references . . . You're welcome to share if you like.