chapter twenty one
The Full Package
It was nearing two months and BJ and I had not seen each other since we met at the airport. We were finally making plans to see each other again. The plan was for him to fly to see me when he would get a few days off work. However, I could sense that BJ was having second thoughts and pulling away. I'm newly single so I wasn't really sure whether it was smart to ask what he was thinking. I was told once (a long time ago) that it was a bad idea to ask guys what they are thinking. But because I’m not one to always listen to advice and I am also stubborn as a mule and I did it anyways.
“Hey, are you okay?” I asked because BJ was being a little quiet on the phone.
“Hmm, yeah I'm fine.” He responded with hesitation.
“No, you're not fine. I can sense something is wrong in your voice. What are you thinking?” I asked.
“Well . . . Hmmmm . . . I'm concerned about my visit there . . . If I come and we have a good time, which I know we will because it would be fun, then when I leave we have to do a long distance relationship. I've been in a long distance relationship before and it's hard.” He responded. I didn't know how to respond. I remained quiet for several seconds to gather my thoughts.
“Well, let's just worry about that when we have to. Why worry about that now? You don't know what the future has in store for us.” I responded. “Plus, how can we know what will happen in the long run when we don’t even know what will happen tomorrow.” I said to him.
“You're right and I like how you said that with such conviction!” He responded with a half laugh.
Both of us have been in long distance relationships before and we both knew how difficult it can be. However, I was willing to take the risk and I wasn’t afraid of what could go wrong because I was more excited on what could go right!
Even though I was excited to see BJ again, I took the time over the weekend to analyze our situation and determine what I wanted. I had this inner debate with myself and I came to the conclusion that BJ might be right. Our connection was great and if we did spend the several days together it would most likely be amazing and the next thing would be trying a long distance relationship. I thought to myself that I moved mountains for someone else for over a decade, it was time to move mountains for myself. Starting a long distance relationship wasn't going to work and I knew that, however, I didn’t want to miss out on something that could be wonderful just because it could also be difficult. I’m a competitive person and I’m a fighter and I don’t scare away from a difficult challenges easily. So no matter how hard long distance relationships are, I still find happiness and joy in them. Plus I’m a strong believer that the hardest battles in life are the ones that are worth it the most in the end.
I kept asking myself that weekend, am I really ready to start a new relationship? I was struggling with the decisions because BJ was the first person that I had this intense chemistry and connection.
I called BJ after the long weekend and I thought that was going to be the end. I’m not afraid of rejection, I just didn't want to regret the decision. My biggest fear was not giving it a shot because how are we supposed to know if the relationship could grow into something great or dwindle into mere nothingness without trying. We started our phone conversation heading into the direction of walking away from it all, but the conversation took for an unexpected turn.
“Hey.” He said with a disappointed tone to his voice.
“Hey.” I responded with the same tone.
“How was your weekend?“ He asked me.
“It was okay. But I’ve been thinking. . .” I answered quickly and before I could finish, he cut me off.
“Look, I like you but I don’t think I can do long distance relationships. I just don’t think it will work.” I can hear a rasp in his voice as he spoke.
“Okay” I responded “I understand where you are coming from, but how would we know it won’t work if we don’t give it a try? Can you tell the future?” I asked with a joking smug tone to my voice.
BJ laughed and said “You’re right! You’re an impressive woman and so positive. You’re the full package and you check off all the right boxes.”
I let out a little giggle, trying to be as humble as possible, but I did know that he was partially right. I’m not the full package (whatever that means) but I strive to be the type of woman that you invest time in. I already know that I have a great sense of humour. But I am also textbook smart (academically well educated, but street dumb), family and career oriented (I’m a modern day woman), I’m understanding, supportive, patient, loyal (to a fault), I’m attractive (if I was little taller, skinnier, hate food maybe I could be a model. Okay, a lot taller, a lot skinnier, but still cute though), I know what I want and I know how to work for it, I’m emotionally stable (more or less; depending on the day, the hour, the weather, how often I eat, and how many hours of sleep I get . . . I could go on . . . ). I have a healthy sex drive (best thing about me), I’m physically active (if I ever get myself to get up from the couch and work out) and somewhat healthy (I do love my candy and fries though), I’m independent(-ish), but I’m also not afraid to ask for help when I do need it. I’m respectful, empathetic, I’m non-judgemental (well, try not to be at least), I look beyond people’s faults and I tend to see the best in people. I know and admit to my faults and I’m constantly trying to improve them. I can take constructive criticism and rejection very well, and I call people on their bullshit and expect people to do the same for me. I can be brutally honest and I expect people to give me the same respect and courtesy. Upon rereading this I’m apparently also full of myself . . . I mean . . . confident? With that said, I’m also a psycho bitch (insert evil laugh here)!
As I finished giggling at his comment, I responded with; “B, you check off NOboxes!” I let out another little giggle (even though I was partially serious) as I continued talking. “I was already with someone who checked off all the ‘right’ boxes and yet it still didn’t work out! I’m not looking to ‘check’ off any boxes.” I said to BJ.
Jaxon was the textbook ‘prince charming’ that you would want to take home to meet your mother; he’s highly educated (top 5 smartest people I know), he’s financially stable, he’s smart, good looking, buys great gifts, funny, charming, and has a great family. Yet with all those great qualities our relationship still failed and I was extremely unhappy and I no longer wanted to be with him.
I wasn’t looking to be with someone who checked off the textbook definition of the ‘right’ boxes. Everyone has his or her own version of the ‘right’ boxes. For me, it’s someone who doesn’t judge others (tries not to at least), is compassionate, who is humble and doesn’t feel entitled, who makes me feel comfortable to be my full self, someone who is adventurous, someone who will laugh at my stupid jokes and actually mean it, someone who makes me laugh with their stupid jokes, someone who is honest, someone who is family and career oriented, someone who doesn’t promote any kind of power struggle, someone who is loyal, and respectful to everyone, not just me. I don’t care if that person is not highly educated or gets paid a lot or gets me lots of gifts because money doesn’t buy my happiness. I feel like the way you treat others speaks more about your character than what might be on your resume or in your bank account.
“Okay. What do you want to do?” asked BJ.
“Come see me!” I instantly responded.
BJ let out a giggle and said “That was very confident . . . that was hot . . . alright, alright . . . I’ll come and see you. I promise!”
I didn’t say anything back. His words, ‘I promise’ kept ringing through my head. I’ve mentioned to BJ before that promises are very important to me. There is nothing I respect more than honesty. Broken promises are usually a deal breaker for me and BJ knew that. When he made the promise I was happy, but there was something off, it didn’t seem genuine to me. I had this uneasy feeling in my gut, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I ignored the feeling.
At the time I didn’t really think anything of it, but now I realize what the feeling was, a warning.
“You sometimes lose by taking risks, but you always lose by holding back.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
Having a checklist of certain characteristics, or what job they have, or their type of fashion style, or music they like, etc. may not be a good thing. Sometimes we are so focused on having all those things checked off that we limit what we see or find out about a person, or we miss the opportunity to continue to grow the connection and chemistry we may have with that person. We may not actually get to truly know someone because we focus too much on what they do or do not have, or what they can or cannot offer us in a partnership. Sometimes it is best that we put those checklists aside and just go with the flow.
SIDE NOTE:
A continuation from chapter 13 and building self esteem when I sat on my closet floor and wrote 10 best and worst qualities. I easily wrote 10 worst qualities but had a difficult time writing my best qualities. Being able to write positive aspects and characteristics about myself was a long and tedious process. Not just because I’m trying to be humble but it honestly took me almost 5 months after that low point in my walk-in closet were I was finally able to actually see the good qualities in myself. Now that I recognize my value and who I am, it can be considered borderline arrogant. However, listing out my good qualities helped tremendously with my self esteem and confidence.
I challenge everyone to write a paragraph (similar to one I wrote, see below) about themself. If you find yourself struggling to write even 5 good qualities about yourself, don’t get discouraged. Put the list aside, do something you love (run, write, yoga, sleep, or eat, etc.) and come back to the list later on the day, or the week, or even months after. Just remember to always you continue on building your self esteem and confidence.
“. . . I already know that I have a great sense of humour. But I am also textbook smart (academically well educated, but street dumb), family and career oriented (I’m a modern day woman), I’m understanding, supportive, patient, loyal (to a fault), I’m attractive (if I was little taller, skinnier, hate food maybe I could be a model. Okay, a lot taller, a lot skinnier, but still cute though), I know what I want and I know how to work for it, I’m emotionally stable (more or less; depending on the day, the hour, the weather, how often I eat, and how many hours of sleep I get . . . I could go on . . . ). I have a healthy sex drive (best thing about me), I’m physically active (if I ever get myself to get up from the couch and work out) and somewhat healthy (I do love my candy and fries though), I’m independent(-ish), but I’m also not afraid to ask for help when I do need it. I’m respectful, empathetic, I’m non-judgemental (well, try not to be at least), I look beyond people’s faults and I tend to see the best in people. I know and admit to my faults and I’m constantly trying to improve them. . .”
🎧 - Jess Glynne: Don't Be So Hard On Yourself
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Do you have a checklist that you are looking for in someone? Why? Has it helped you? Or limited you?
What are your best and worst qualities? How are you improving your self esteem?