chapter twenty two
The Ghost
I’m sitting at my desk at work, staring at the computer oblivious to anything that is happening around me. I can sense people moving, their conversations are nothing but murmurs to my ears. I’m staring blankly at my monitor, my right hand is on the mouse, my notepad is in front of me, I have a deadline looming around the corner and yet my mind is empty and I’m motionless. I can feel my eyes starting to water. I blinked a few times to try to prevent to tears from falling, but there is nothing I can do. Silently and one right after the other, the tears slowly trickled down my cheeks. I was no longer numb. I felt every bit of disappointment. My fragile heart was crumbling, again, and I can feel every piece fall.
I’ve been sitting in this powerless state for a while. But all of a sudden, this shrieky voice is calling my name. Beyond my monitor, I see a blurred image in the shape of my office manager as she is storming towards my direction. I quickly bow my head and wipe the tears off my face as she abruptly arrives at my desk.
“What the hell are you doing here, Yra?!? You booked two days off!” She yelled at me.
“I know. I’m sorry, someone was suppose to come visit me, but cancelled on me. So I decided to come to work instead and save my vacation days . . . which I forgot to cancel my holiday request. . . . I’m sorry!.” I replied as my voice cracked under pressure and as I bowed my head down in embarrassment.
She lets out a huge growl of frustration as she turned around to walk away. I’m watching her with a scared look on my face because she is frightening as fuck. She’s about halfway across the room as she slightly turns towards my direction to yell back and ask, “What kind of friends do you have that cancel on coming to visit you?”
“Just one shitty one, I guess” I whispered with sorrow to myself.
Today was the day that BJ was supposed to have come, but I hadn’t heard from him for several days.
I’m devastated, disappointed, and had been disrespected. I never thought that anything could be worse than going through a really hard breakup, but realizing that someone doesn’t have enough respect for me to be honest and upfront is the worst. With the year that I’m having, I’m in a very delicate state.
I texted BJ several times within the past few days to see if he was still coming to visit or if he changed his mind, but BJ has been silent and my text message obviously went unanswered. All he had to do was just let me know that he wasn’t coming. I could have avoided moments like the one I had with my office manager. For the first time ever in my life, I experienced, what is known in the dating world as ‘ghosting.’
SHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIITT!!!!!!!!
I finally met someone I truly liked . . . Had this intense chemistry and connection with . . . Felt as though his feelings for me was mutual . . . Finally opened up to the possibility of trying a new relationship . . . And then all of a sudden . . . Nothing? WHAT THE FUCK BITCH?!?!?!?
I gave myself a couple days to recover from realizing that I had been ‘ghosted.’ The lack of respect that he gave me was insulting, but I’m not afraid to be upfront. Even though I was advised by all my friends not to contact him, I didn’t listen (because I’m stubborn as a mule). I ended up reaching out to him, but only after I fully recovered from being blindsided. I needed to calm down and gather my emotions and thoughts together. I didn't want to say things that would hurt him or be manipulative. I just didn't want to regret anything.
One day I felt like I was calm enough to contact him. I came home from work and just pumped myself up to give him a call. I was so nervous my hands were sweating and when I spoke my voice started cracking. When I finally got enough courage, I dialled his number. As I suspected, my phone call went unanswered. I tried to leave him a voice message but somehow it got cut off, so instead I sent him a text message (which I really didn't like).
I wanted the message to be as upfront, honest, angry, and it may have come off a little passive aggressive. But I wanted to make sure that BJ knew that I respect those who tell the truth, no matter how hard it is. Integrity to me is everything! After sending that message, I felt a little bit better, but still didn’t feel like I had closure.
I didn’t expect a response, but to my surprise the day after, BJ called.
“Hello?” I said with a questionable tone to my voice.
“Hey!” He responded.
“What do you want, B?” I asked with a stern tone.
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to be that guy that you think doesn’t respect you and just disappears.” He responded with a guilty sound to his voice.
“But you are that guy, you just did that to me.” I reciprocated with a condescending tone.
“I know and I’m sorry, I was scared, I’m not . . .” As he continued talking and explaining his excuses to me, I stopped listening because I was too annoyed and didn’t care. All he had to do was be upfront with me and he didn’t have to make the promise to come visit if he wasn’t 100% sure he was going to come.
As he finished giving his excuses, I responded with “Look B, you could have just told me and not instantly disappear. It’s just that simple. Have enough respect for other people and be honest.”
We didn’t talk long after that because both of us had to go to work and we ended the conversation with agreeing that we were going to try to be friends.
I am not afraid to let go of my fears and follow my heart. Some might say that I'm reckless with my heart and I should be protecting it. Rejection doesn't scare me, regret does. I don't want to one day wake up and wonder what could have been because I was too scared. I can't say that I regret anything with BJ because I took a risk! Yes, I got rejected, it backfired on me and there was no respect, but I at least lost trying.
“. . . Him ghosting is a type of closure . . . ”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
Urban DictionaryDefinition of Ghosting (not the most academic source, but is there really an academic source for dating definitions?) :
“The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.”
The way that BJ and I met and the way we got to know each other feels like it was taken out of a Hollywood rom-com movie. I feel like I was in a Chris Evans movie, Before We Go. Two strangers meet at an airport (not Grand Central Station, like the movie), get to know each other over time (not just one night, like the movie) and develop a trust for one another and realize the possibility of something beyond their previous relationships . . . But life isn’t a movie . . . In reality, there isn’t always a happy ending . . . And one often hurts the other.
At the time this happened, I was still fragile and in the process of healing. My confidence took huge step back. I found myself asking, why I was not worthy enough for a conversation. BJ and I were not dating (we never went on a single date), but the plan was to spend a great weekend together. Didn’t speaking on the phone for months, hours on end, almost every day, deserve a conversation? What happened to respecting people and communicating? The disrespect and not being told the truth hurt more than anything. I would have been able to handle the rejection conversation much better than the silent treatment.
Several days (possibly weeks) after being ghosted, I found myself questioning my intuition and obsessing over our original interactions and conversations. I was looking for clues and signs that I missed something. I felt that if BJ didn’t like me there must of been something to indicate that within our conversations, our text messages, and at our initial meeting at the airport. I spent days and nights wondering and I found nothing. The after effects of being ghosted led me to question other people’s integrity and intentions towards me and I immediately put up emotional barriers. For those who know me, I do not put up walls, but shortly after being ghosted, I closed myself off.
I hated the feeling of putting a guard up. I was not being myself and eventually I had to remind myself that his actions and how he treated me were out of my control.
As the definition above states, someone who doesn’t have the decency to be honest and upfront states more about THEIR maturity level and THEIR communication skills. We can’t control how other people act and how they treat us. All we can control is ourselves. We can only stay true to our own integrity and how we treat others speaks of our character. I had to remind myself that I did nothing wrong, that I was honest and true in how I felt the entire time. I found strength to be vulnerable and able to open my heart up again to someone else other than Jaxon. I got burned and disrespected, but I was proud of myself that I was open to all sorts of possibilities.
Being ghosted by someone speaks of their character. I did not want this bad and hurtful experience to hinder the possibilities with someone else. Therefore, I had to constantly remind myself that it was not my fault (I did nothing wrong) and that one person’s actions should not be used to determine how other people may treat me. BJ does not define every man. His actions do not speak for every man. I should NOT put an emotional wall up and question every other man’s intentions because of my experience of being ghosted by BJ. Once I accepted this and found the courage to put the emotional barrier back down, I was again able to give others the benefit of the doubt.
🎧 - Bon Jovi: You Give Love A Bad Name
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Have you been ghosted? How did you deal with the after effects?
Have you ghosted someone? Why? Was it easier to just not respond?