chapter twenty three
Exes, Friendships, Respect and Games . . .
Jaxon and I were trying to remain friends, and it was easier than we had anticipated. We texted and talked on the phone every other day. It was nice talking to Jaxon, especially when it’s regarding Buddy, he is after all paying dog-support (yes, that’s a thing after a breakup, if you want it to be). One morning, we were talking to try to figure out when to fly our dog back to my hometown for the holidays. We wanted to transport our dog to my hometown early, so we beat the Christmas holiday rush.
“When is the best time that we fly him over that you can pick him up at the airport?” I asked Jaxon
“Umm, well I am away at the end of November and won’t be back until the first weekend of December,” Jaxon responded.
“Okay, where are you going?” I asked.
“Umm . . . just another business trip,” Jaxon said with a rasp in his voice.
I found the tone in his voice suspicious, he sounded nervous, and I felt like he was hiding something. I decided to ignore it because who cares if he was lying about something, it is none of my business anymore. And if he was lying, that just confirms even more that he is no longer the man that I fell in love with.
“I have to get going, I’m at work now,” Jax said abruptly.
“Oh okay, me too,” I responded. “Let’s talk in a couple of days to finalize the flight information,” I said to Jax.
I figured if Jaxon and I could be friends, BJ and I could give it a try too (not the smartest decision after he ghosted me, but I figured that we could try anyway).
BJ and I tried the friendship route as we had said to each other, but that didn’t last long. He did call me once when he was having a bad day in hopes that I cheer him up. I think I was pretty successful and I made him laugh. But a few days later, when I tried to call him for the same reason, he ignored my call and my text messages (talk about being one-sided and being taken for granted).
BJ once told me that friendships don't work between people if one of them wants to be more than just friends. I strongly agreed, and at that point, I was that person who still had feelings. Even though he said that he had feelings for me, his actions proved otherwise, and I didn't know what he felt.
After being ghosted by BJ, I reflected on what went wrong. I realized that I had put all my eggs in one basket (and this basket was named BJ). The current dating world doesn't seem to work like that anymore if you do that you set yourself up to getting burned. Numerous friends told me that I have to protect myself and I should evenly spread my energy with multiple options. I listened, and I went on dates with people I kind of liked to distract myself from hoping that BJ would text or call me. I found myself so worried about getting hurt that I didn't realize or didn't care at the time what I was doing was hurting someone else.
This seemed to be the regular thing in the dating world now.
We keep our options open because we can't trust each other. We usually have a backup to the person we care for and want to date. Then we also have a backup to that backup just in case the backup doesn’t work either. The dating world is now all about the numbers game because you never know if the person that you're investing your time on is talking with someone else, sleeping with someone else, and trying to meet other people that they think is a better option than you. We sleep with people we have no connection with, and we don't invest any emotions so we can convince ourselves that we don't care or need anything more than just sex. We tend not to be 100% invested, and we keep our options open just in case all hell breaks loose. All this to prevent ourselves from getting hurt and who cares if you hurt someone else along the way. At least it's not you, right?!? If we invest in one person and get burned we feel obsolete, so we invest in numerous emotionless, temporary relationships to feel satisfied. Is this what the dating world has come to, seeing how many ‘likes’ or ‘thumbs up’ we get to feel adequate about ourselves?
By limiting how unhappy we might be by losing someone, we inadvertently put a ceiling on how happy we can be.
I was guilty of all of the above. I spent weeks trying to feel better about myself and going on these dates in hopes to forget about BJ. Eventually, I realized it wasn't fair to the guys I was going on dates with, and it also wasn’t fair to myself. I don't find it attractive to play games with people's feelings. I'm too fucking old to play fucking games. I rather be fucking alone than to deal with the bullshit (that’s my defence mechanism talking here)! To top it all off, I felt ashamed of myself when I was going on dates and thinking of someone else. I was using these men, and I felt as though I was disrespectful.
I knew that it was best that BJ and I stopped talking and not be friends, but I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I couldn't pinpoint why! For crying out loud, the fucking dude ghosted on me, and somehow I still had feelings for that fuck tard?!?!?!
Far beyond the physical attraction (which was unavoidable), I was still drawn inexorably to his personality, and his strength and courage. But I knew that wasn’t enough, I deserved and wanted more from someone. BJ and I have a six-year age difference (I’m older), and usually, age doesn't matter . . . Love removes age as an obstacle (I'm not saying we were in love, but the point is that love does not discriminate). The difference between our age was apparent on our maturity levels and how differently we handled our situation and the amount of respect we had shown to one another (in BJ’s case, the lack of respect).
I tried hard to move on and forget. But it was hard because I didn't find closure. Sometimes I found myself at the office, looking at the front lobby wishing that BJ would show up and surprise me. I’m such a fucking hopeless romantic believing that I live inside a fucking rom-com when I'm just naive and stupid. I was incredibly disappointed with myself; I knew that I had to snap myself out of this rut!
My New City Soulmate (who I had moved in with and is now my roommate) said to me, “ . . . why are you so hung up on an ex-drug addict, you can get one of those down the street!” I appreciated her abruptness. Real friends are not afraid to tell you the truth, even though it is hard for you to hear. I respected her more for telling me what I didn’t want to hear but needed to hear. She was right, but I didn’t see him as an ex-drug addict. I saw him as a courageous individual who got through a tough time. More importantly, the former drug addiction she referenced was solely a means to describe him in a manner that crumbled the pedestal I put him on. I chose to see the positive light in his situation because I want to see the best in everyone.
Believing in BJ, backfired in my face, but would have I done anything differently? Probably not.
“When you look for the worst in everyone, it becomes impossible to fall for anyone.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
There is this general concession by the majority of people/society that being naïve is considered weak. I confidently admit that I am naïve towards people and dating. I am a hopeless romantic, I believe in people and their word, I believe in keeping an open mind, I am compelled my by insatiable curiosity in discovering the qualities of what makes a person who they are, and yes, this often makes me prone to manipulation. But that does not make me weak or stupid.
The willingness to take a risk and embrace the unknown; be open to meeting new people with a clean slate; discovering new opportunities, and experiencing life and the unlimited boundaries of relationships as opposed to judging people from our fears and negative past experiences, is courageous! There is strength in being naïve.
People who are a little bit naïve are open to new views, new opinions, new opportunities, learning from anyone and any experience (good or bad). Also means that they are hopeful, are not jaded, and will not let their past experiences dictate their future.
Sometimes when we are willing to take a chance on something we get burned! But sometimes we also get what we had hoped and get blown away by the possibilities. Don’t focus on the worst qualities in people; you might miss out on appreciating the goodness in them. Would you want someone not seeing your best self and just focusing on your worst qualities? Being open minded maybe scary, but being closed off and jaded, is more frightening. Look at naïveté as a strength because it takes someone tough enough to be able to move on with a positive attitude from all their negative experience.
Sometimes it is worth getting burned so that we can learn and grow stronger from experience.
🎧 - Usher: U Got It Bad
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Have you been burned badly by someone? How did you deal with it? How did it affect the next person that you dated?
Are you jaded when it comes to dating? Why?
What are your thoughts on the paragraph below?
"We keep our options open because we can't trust each other. We usually have a backup to the person we care for and want to date. Then we also have a backup to that backup just in case the backup doesn’t work either. The dating world is now all about the numbers game because you never know if the person that you're investing your time on is talking with someone else, sleeping with someone else, and trying to meet other people that they think is a better option than you. We sleep with people we have no connection with, and we don't invest any emotions so we can convince ourselves that we don't care or need anything more than just sex. We tend not to be 100% invested, and we keep our options open just in case all hell breaks loose. All this to prevent ourselves from getting hurt and who cares if you hurt someone else along the way. At least it's not you, right?!? If we invest in one person and get burned we feel obsolete, so we invest in numerous emotionless, temporary relationships to feel satisfied. Is this what the dating world has come to, seeing how many ‘likes’ or ‘thumbs up’ we get to feel adequate about ourselves?"