chapter twenty four
Seriously, What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me?
One night, three weeks after BJ and I talked last, I was walking Buddy, and I met another dog owner whose name was BJ. I thought that was just too funny of a coincidence not to mention anything. I texted BJ, not expecting a response, but desperately hoping for one. I thought that if I did get a response, it would be just a short text message, but nothing sweet.
WHAT THE FUCK BITCH?!?!?!? Stop toying with me and make up your mind! I can't stand the hot and cold attitude. I was getting led on, and I didn’t know whether I should go for it or turn and run!
I was struggling with how to respond. BJ and I didn't have any mutual friends, we lived in different cities, and there was no chance of us ever seeing each other again. So really what was the point? I should've probably walked away and not responded. Unfortunately, though, I couldn't resist the attraction I had towards him and eventually, approximately 24 hours later I caved in and texted him back.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?!?
I should have just let it be, but I still had feelings towards him, and I wanted to take the risk. Less than a week later, we ended up talking on the phone again. Our phone conversation felt like we hadn't skipped a beat and the conversations were back to where we left off, continually laughing.
I was curious for an explanation of what happened. It seemed as though BJ was overthinking everything and got freaked out about the possible future. I knew BJ could do magic tricks (including a great disappearing act), but I didn’t realize that he can also predict the future . . . Seriously, come on?!?!?
As he spoke, his voice sounded nervous. “I’m sorry for everything. I regret not showing up.” He told me. “I just knew that if I showed up, we would have had a great time. Then we would have had to try to long distance thing. I wanted to text you, and I would type the texts out, but never send them. I am sorry for everything.” His apology was flattering, but he should have been honest with me in the first place, instead of silently disappearing. He hurt me more by being dishonest, and if he was up front, it wouldn't have been that big of a deal. He probably would have saved ourselves from the emotional roller coaster that we seemed to be riding.
The craziest thing about this whole experience is that I was struggling more with my emotions towards BJ than I was about my break up with Jaxon.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?!?
BJ had so many red flags . . . So many in fact that any sane person would run from it. But for me, I was blinded by the ‘spark’ that we initially had when we first met. I believed that our initial connection and chemistry was rare, but is that enough? I was struggling with whether I should give him another chance. Then I concluded, that it wasn’t all about what he wanted. It was about what I wanted to do too. My curiosity and stupidity got the best of me, and I gave in to the temptation . . .
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?!?
This time around I tried to protect myself and keep a wall up. I tried hard to play hard to get, but I hate playing games. But it didn't matter because that wall didn't stand up for too long. I was too fucking tempted and mesmerized by him! Damn, fuck, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitt!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?!?
I could tell that BJ was trying this time around and I appreciated it. BJ called when he said he would, he responded to my text messages, and I was holding onto hope that this time it was going to be different and much better. However, I still was hesitant because I didn't want to get fooled again. I've dated people like BJ all my life; they have the best intentions, they always try to please people, don't intend to hurt anyone so they make promises they can't keep, trying to make excuses and continuously lying. Yup! I'm attracted to beautiful, charming, selfish and cowardly human beings.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?!?
Since I don't want to regret anything, I was still willing to take a risk. The significant risk was to see BJ. I was hesitant because I was uncertain whether he would show up or disappear just like before. But there was still something there between us that I couldn't ignore it and I knew if we didn't try then I would always wonder, ‘what if.’ I felt slightly reassured because BJ swore on his father’s grave that he was going to show up and not disappear. He even planned a date, to go to a trampoline park (without me telling him, but going to a trampoline park is a date that I’ve always wanted to go on). It is intriguing to find someone I have so much in common with. But I was still hesitant; his word meant nothing to me at this point. To be honest, it was the sense of the possibility that kept me going. It was not the guarantee, because, with BJ there was no guarantee.
The weeks before I was coming to visit, we spent it texting back and forth, talking on the phone and being more flirtatious than ever. Every day I looked forward to speaking with BJ because he just always put me in a good mood. Like I said before, our conversations were just constant laughter, but this time there was a lot more effort from his part.
I'm a true believer that things happen for a reason and I think that timing is everything. I didn't know it at that time, but there was a more significant reason beyond my knowledge why BJ and I started talking again. A week before I was heading to visit him, my world took another fucking blow! My heart broke into a billion pieces and the events that unfolded marked one of the lowest points of my year . . .
“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
Even though I made progress since Jaxon and I broke up, I was still struggling with rejection, dishonesty, and disrespect that I was getting from other people. I didn’t know it then, but looking back at it now, I was still very insecure. I couldn’t get over being mistreated by BJ because I wasn’t confident and secure enough in myself.
It wasn’t for a while that I had allowed myself to admit that I was still in the process of healing and I was not 100% healed. Even today, there is still room for me to grow. The only difference from who I was back then and who I am now, is that I am no longer afraid to call myself out on my own bullshit.
To grow and become better people, we have to face and own up to our demons. We cannot grow by pretending we are perfect. The truth can hurt, but lying to ourselves only damages us even more and cheats us from our own personal growth.
🎧 - Selena Gomez & The Scene: My Dilemma 2.0
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
What are your insecurities? How did you get over them? Or do you even know?
Why do you think we are all afraid to admit to our insecurities?