chapter twenty five
The Final Nail In The Coffin For My Heart
I woke up early in the morning, happy as a puppy. More often than not, I went to work smiling. The sun was shining, and the fall temperature was perfect. I bought the flight to see BJ, and there was only one week left before I would see him again. Everything was aligning, and it felt right.
I was at work answering emails and plugging away on a project. I usually put my cell phone on ‘do not disturb’ so that I'm able to focus, especially since I was nearing a deadline. Two hours into work I get this call on my office phone, and it was Jaxon. Firstly, I thought that was strange because he has never called me at my office before. As I hadn't heard from him for a while, I was excited to hear his voice.
“Hello!” I said with enthusiasm as I answered the phone.
“Hi, how are you?” he responded with a soft tone. I immediately sensed the tension in his voice. I've heard this tone in his voice before and is usually gets followed up with horrible news, such as someone died. The good news was that no one died (phew). Instead, all that was killed was my heart and self-worth.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I don’t know how to say this . . . I wasn’t able to sleep last night . . . I don’t want to hurt you, but I know we agreed to be honest with each other and I want you to be the first to know.” Jaxon said as his voice cracked.
I knew in my mind what was coming and I can feel this noose tightening around my heart . . . “My girlfriend surprised me with tickets to London, England last week and we’re leaving today,” he said. I knew in my mind that he was lying, he already had the trip planned. I remember him telling me several weeks ago that he had a business trip scheduled for this week and that is why we had arranged to send Buddy over to my hometown this past weekend. He didn’t have the heart to tell me that he was taking her on a trip, I suspect that he probably thought that it would hurt me.
During our entire relationship, I kept bugging him to go on a trip, especially during our last year together, but he kept telling me that he was too busy and that we didn’t have any money. He knew that him telling me that he was going on a trip with his girlfriend would hurt me, mainly because he always knew I wanted to go to Europe, especially London, England.
My heart started pounding really hard, I was trying to anticipate what he was going to tell me, to prepare myself for the worse . . . Which I had an inclination toward what it was going to be. “I just wanted you to hear this from me first, and I promised you that we were going to be honest with each other . . . I’m going to propose,” he said with a trembling voice. My heart fell into its imminent death, and as it hit the ground, it felt like it was being stomped on by thousands of women wearing pointy stilettos.
The worst thing about not feeling numb anymore is that you feel every single emotion penetrate your entire body!
My walls started to crumble, my whole body started quivering and tears instantly ran down my face. My tears turned to uncontrollable waterfalls, and I was drowning in them, I was gasping for air as I started hyperventilating. I hung up the phone, and I quickly made my way to the bathroom, keeping my head down, hiding from everyone what I was truly feeling . . . an unlovable worthless failure.
I got to the bathroom and closed the door quickly. I leaned on the closed bathroom door, rested my head back on the door, my eyes filled with tears as I looked up at the ceiling, and I let my body slowly slide down to the floor against the door. I curled my knees up towards my chest, my arms wrapped around my legs and I buried my face in between my knees. I lost control of my emotions; I couldn’t control the pain and the sobbing. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I wanted to know what was so wrong with me that I couldn’t be loved back? What did I do wrong? I gave everything that I got in the relationship and why wasn’t that enough? Why wasn’t I worth the effort? Why did he tell me that he never believed in marriage, when all he meant was that he never believed in marriage with me. I couldn’t help but feel like a worthless piece of shit and wallow in my own self-pity.
I tried to keep it together at work, but I just couldn't. I wasn't focusing, I was still shaking, and I felt my body boiling up about to explode with anger. I had to leave work. I quickly packed all my stuff and ran down the stairs. As soon as I got outside the office, I instantly called Jaxon. My crying all of a sudden turned into anger.
As soon as he picked up the phone, I was yelling at the top of my lungs as I walked down the street. I could sense people staring at me, but I didn't give a flying fuck! I demanded an explanation on where we went wrong and the truth! I’m not asking for a lot, just for him to be honest with me once and for all. Ever since we broke up, I’ve questioned Jaxon about cheating on me emotionally and/or physically. As I mentioned before, I grew up with a father that is a pathological liar and a cheater so I can tell when someone is bullshitting me, especially Jaxon! I knew Jaxon wasn't honest with me and I also knew that he was lying to himself as well. He has made up so many lies that I don’t think that he could keep up with it all. For so many years Jaxon and I were brutally honest with each other. Obviously, brutal honesty can hurt, but I instead would rather have the brutal truth than lies. Lies hurt me more than anything. The moment I caught him in a lie, was the momentum that pushed me over the edge and brought us here.
“Did you ever love me?” I asked.
“Of course I did!” He replied.
“Stop fucking lying to me!!!!!! What the fuck happened? You told me that you didn’t believe in marriage, but you said you didn’t want to lose me, so you proposed. Did you mean anything you said to me the day you proposed?” I was afraid of the answer because the day he proposed was one of the best days of my life.
His response was unconvincing, I felt that his explanations were just a bunch of bullshit! He still denied ever cheating on me, Jaxon claimed he meant it when he proposed, and that he genuinely was in love with me. “JUST BE FUCKING HONEST WITH ME FOR FUCK SAKE!” I yelled at him as I continued walking home.
“I don’t know! All I know is that I’ve never been this happy before.” He replied.
And there it was . . . The phrase “ . . . I’ve never been this happy before . . .” Finally the truth! My body stopped trembling, my heart was relieved, the anger subsided, as I finally believed something that came out of his mouth. That probably should have hurt me, but it didn't, because I was happy that for once in a long time, he actually told me the truth.
My anger and pain subsided to the numbness sensation that engulfed my entire body. I stopped crying and just stared blankly in front of me as I continued walking.
I knew that my confidence and my sense of self-worth wasn’t 100% like I thought/hoped it would be. I was thinking to myself that if I couldn't get someone to fall in love with me after thirteen years, I definitely couldn't get anyone else to either, especially someone with whom I met for only 30 minutes. I wasn’t ready to start anything with anyone, and I had to be honest with myself and with BJ.
I knew BJ was working and so I texted him to call me when he could. I was still talking with Jaxon when BJ called on the other line. I told Jaxon I had to go and hung up to answer BJ’s call. As I responded to his phone call, I, unfortunately, started crying again and I just couldn’t control it. Somehow I managed to say “hello” in between the whimpers.
“Hey” he responded.
I could tell that he knew that something was wrong. I didn't know what to say, I just said whatever I was feeling, and words just vomited out of my mouth. “I don't know . . . If I can come to see you . . . I'm so fucked up right now . . . My ex-fiancé is proposing to his girlfriend . . . I don't know what I'm feeling right now . . . I'm so fucked.” I stopped talking so that I can let out some of the sobbing.
“I've never heard you cry before” he responded.
“I don't think I can start something with you right now . . . I doubt you'll want to start anything with me . . . I’m feeling really down . . . I don’t feel like I’m worth it.” I said to him as I continued to cry. I was surprised at how he responded.
“You are worth it, and I just want you to be happy.” His response made me smile because it was definitely what I needed to hear. Even though at that moment I felt like shit, BJ’s support made me feel a lot better.
I continued walking home still believing that I’m worthless, and I can still feel my body becoming numb. By the time I got home, I had no more tears left, my body just felt heavy, aimlessly wandering like a zombie. I crawled into bed, and I just laid there staring at the ceiling, in what felt like minutes, but to my surprise, two hours had gone by. I remember feeling lonely, sad, and hopeless. Then the next thing I knew, my cell phone was buzzing, and I rolled over to answer it, and it was BJ.
“Hello,” I said with a low, sad tone to my voice.
“Hey, I was just checking up on you and making sure that you are okay.” His deep, calming voice was like music to my ears. I smiled, and I really appreciated his thoughtfulness to check up on me and like always, he made me laugh when all I wanted to do was roll off a bridge. I was grateful that he called because it made me feel like I was worth a little bit of something.
After getting off the phone with BJ, I slowly peeled myself up from my bed, I put on my runners, and I started running.
The rhythmic pounding noise of my runners hitting the pavement echoed the beat of my heart. My legs moving strong, faster and faster. My breath is heavy. My mind is full of thoughts. My vision blurred from the tears from the cold breeze.
My thoughts were scattered. So many questions were going through my head. Then at times, I would answer my own questions. I felt like I was losing my mind as I spoke to myself in the third person.
“What is wrong with you? What is wrong with him? What the fuck did you do? What the fuck did he do? Are you lovable? Did he ever love you? Who fucking cares if he didn't?!?!? Who has he become? He's not the Jax you fell in love with! Duh! Did he cheat? Probably! Should have broken up with him sooner, like 7 years ago! Damn it, stop living with regret! You can't change the past! Was everything a lie? Should you care if it was? Would finding out the truth change anything? Would you still have broken up with him anyway? Yes, I would have! You weren’t happy, and you weren’t yourself! He treated you poorly. We treated each other poorly. He didn't see the best version of you anymore. And he wasn't his best version of himself either. We no longer brought out the best in each other! You deserved better than what he was providing! You knew that back in March! And that's why you left him! You left because you knew you deserved better! You are worth it! I am worth it! Fuck yeah, I'm fucking worth it!” I said to myself over and over again.
Eventually, after running for almost two hours, I realized that if I didn't think that I was worth it, I wouldn't have had the courage to walk away from him. I knew that no matter how long we were together, and how much I loved Jaxon, my self-worth, confidence, identity wasn't worth losing over an unhealthy relationship and settling with someone who treated me with disrespect, didn’t love me and didn't see my worth anymore. I only want the best for both of us, and I know that the best for us was not to be together. I had forgotten that in the morning while I wallowed in my own self-pity.
I eventually headed back home after clearing my head. As soon as I got home, BJ called me. I can't remember what we talked about, but I remember just smiling and laughing. Talking with him made all my sadness disappear.
BJ undoubtedly saved the day. He was the knight in shining armour that I needed. He made me laugh when I wasn’t even in the mood to smile. Everyone else I told made the situation worse for me. My family and friends reacted angrily and were being negative and saying that Jaxon was a jackass or a jerk. Putting Jaxon down didn’t help me because I knew the man that he used to be, and that man I fell in love with was not a jackass. I still hold onto hope that Jaxon can be that man again, not for me, but for himself and at least for his new fiancé.
“People don’t cheat because they don’t respect their partners. People cheat because they don’t respect themselves.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
When someone cheats (emotionally and/or physically), the person who has been cheated on often blames themselves. Why is this an automatic response by the person who has been disrespected by their significant other? Why does the victim tend to feel worthless? Or like it is their fault? Or often ask, what they could have done differently.
When someone has been cheated on, they often forget that the actions of the cheater have nothing to do with them at all. The cheater’s actions have everything to do with who they are as a person and have nothing to do with the victim.
“Recognize that them cheating is a reflection of their insecurities.” - Jay Shetty
As long as you be true to yourself and your integrity, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Don’t feel worthless and don’t take the blame for someone else’s actions. Feel the pain of the disrespect but always remember that it was never your fault and has nothing to do with who you are.
🎧 - The Verve: Bitter Sweet Symphony
🎬 - Jay Shetty YouTube
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
- Have you ever been cheated on? How did you feel? How did you get over the pain? Did you remain angry at the person?
- Have you ever cheated on someone? Why?