chapter twenty six
Sometimes Your Knight And Shining Armour Is A Fuck Tard In Tinfoil
The next day my coworkers were surprised that I showed up to work. Everyone expected me to be taking a couple of days off, or at least be sad and crying, or angry. My boss was surprised to see me, and it seems like everyone was looking at me with guilt in their eyes.
I hated it!
I wanted people to stop staring at me with puppy dog eyes! I felt that the more people looked at me that way, the more it made me feel obligated to act sad and angry. Yes, there were points during the day I wasn’t doing well, but those moments only lasted for minutes. I have great family and friends that support me and are there for me when I need them the most, so I found it easy to move on from Jaxon’s news. I also got a text message from BJ that made me smile.
My heart melted as I read his text message. I’m not sure if BJ is just really good at being a charmer and knowing what to say at the right time, or if he means what he says and texts. Maybe I’m naive or stupid, or both, but I chose to believe that he means what he says.
After work, I went out with my New City Soul Mate and her friend. They took me to this virtual reality gaming place, and I remember just having the best time. I was being myself, not thinking about Jaxon, smiling and enjoying the moment. I could have let Jaxon’s announcement kill me, but it didn't, and I chose to not think negatively or be hard on myself again. I was having so much fun and laughing so hard.
Right before my turn in the video game, I saw a text message from BJ.
The next text message I received from BJ surprised me. It got me off guard, and it probably should have flattered me, but instead, it made me nervous and scared me.
I didn’t know how to respond! All I wanted was to have fun and see where things will lead.
The visit intended to see if the spark and chemistry are still there between BJ and I. However, I didn't want to overthink anything. BJ seemed to overthink a lot, and he would psych himself out. He did that for the first time he was supposed to come to visit. I felt like he was psyching himself out again. I immediately hesitated, and I got nervous because, for one, I didn't believe him and secondly, I know I wasn’t ready to let myself fall for anyone. I tried calling BJ that night when I got home, but no answer. The next day I didn’t get a text from him, and I was afraid that he was ghosting again.
However, the next evening BJ and I eventually had a chance to talk. BJ immediately opened up and said; “I like everything about you.”
“You don’t know everything about me!” I responded.
“What I do know, I’m loving!” he said immediately after.
“Slow down; I just got out of a long-term relationship. I want to come to see you and see where things go from there. I don’t even know if my mindset is there yet. I just found out that my ex-fiancé is engaged again, I don’t know what I’m feeling right now.” I responded with a bit of nervousness in my voice.
The tone of his voice changed, and he immediately pulled back. It was in this conversation that I saw his insecurities. I probably dug myself in a hole for being too honest, but that's just who I am. I don't hold anything back. BJ kept mumbling something, and I could tell he wanted to say something, but he kept cutting himself off. “What?” I asked.
“Never mind, and don’t worry about it.” He responded.
“Don’t do that B, just tell me.” Then there was nothing but silence from him, “B!” I said with a stern voice, “just tell me!”
“Fine!” he responded, “the way you’re talking about your ex, seems like you still have feelings for him.” I can hear the nervousness and jealousy in his voice, and it seemed like he was hurt.
My heart sank to my stomach; it didn’t feel right to me that he thought that way. I assured him that he was wrong; “I don’t have feelings for my ex anymore! If I did have feelings for him, I would have slept with him in September, but I didn’t!” I was getting a little frustrated because I hadn’t done anything to make him think otherwise. I can tell that BJ was disappointed that I didn’t react the way he anticipated, reciprocating his feelings from his text message. However, I wasn’t going to say something that I didn’t mean just so that I can save his feelings. That’s not who I am.
I was heading out that evening for a friend's birthday, so I had to go, but I didn't want to get off the phone with him like that because it didn't feel right to me. “B, you do know that I want to see where this goes between us, right?” I asked.
“Hmm, mmm.” He responded.
What the heck was that? I thought to myself. “What?” I asked him.
He repeated himself, “hmm, mmm.” I still didn’t know what that meant. So I asked again. Then finally he said, “No, I don’t think you do.”
I felt terrible that he doubted my feelings. I softened my voice as I responded, “B, of course, I do. I like you!”
I didn’t understand how he could doubt me though, I was honest with him from day one. Plus I’m not the one that’s been flaky in the past. I’ve kept my word, and he is the one that hasn’t . . . So why the fuck does he get to feel insecure about how I feel?
After talking with BJ, I still ended up going out for my friend's (my male co-worker’s) birthday. It was a lot of fun! I was so happy and enjoyed myself so much that the next morning when BJ called, I was bragging about my night out with my buddy and his friends. The rest of our conversations was the same as usual, we teased each other, and we were always laughing. I told BJ to call me that evening to continue our discussion. However, I didn’t hear back from BJ that evening, and I didn’t hear from him for days.
I was feeling that BJ was pulling away again. I started over thinking, and I kept checking my phone throughout the day, hoping that he would at least text me. I can feel this pain again in my chest, the noose around my heart kept tightening and the numbness sensation starting overtaking my body again. My body was preparing for the worse case scenario, BJ ghosting. When BJ did reach out, a couple of days before I was supposed to go visit, he said: “call you tonight we'll figure the details out, it’s a date!” Well, guess what happened, he didn’t end up calling. I, of course, tried to call him, but as you can imagine, my phone call and text messages went unanswered. As I suspected from the beginning of this second time around, he was ghosting again.
WHAT THE FUCK BITCH?!?!?!? STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKTARD!!!!!!!
All he had to do was tell me that he didn't want to pursue this anymore. All I wanted was to give it a try . . . And who knows, we might have gotten together and realized the sparks weren’t there, to begin with.
I was holding onto the hope that he would have learned and that he would regret his actions (like he did before) and he would remember what he swore on his father's grave. But all that didn’t matter. BJ’s word meant nothing, he had no solid ground, he is too immature to be upfront and honest, and I definitely should have known better than to trust him again.
“He has a girlfriend or someone else?!? Obviously!” I said to myself. There were so many clues, so many things that showed me that he's lying. My gut, my intuitions, my body ached that he was lying, but my heart wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I knew better, but I chose to ignore the warning signs because I had no reason to believe him otherwise.
I felt so stupid giving him a second chance. He ‘breadcrumbed’ me. He got attention from me, and it boosted his ego. I didn’t realize what he was doing until it was too late. I was so embarrassed and I felt like that noose around my heart should have been tied around my neck (not literally though). I was mad and ashamed at myself for continuing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and he proved me wrong each time.
To top it all off, and because I’m so cheap, I was even more upset and heartbroken because I lost $700 on plane tickets. Damn mother fucking fuck tard!!!!! Argh!!!!!!!
“Your sensitivity is not a sign of weakness. Your sensitivity makes you beautiful. It makes you different. It makes you unique. You see, we live in a world where it’s easier to pretend that you don’t feel, and if you dare express that you feel, you become an easy target to be picked on and hurt. So, from a young age, you’re taught that strength means hiding how you feel, or not expressing your feelings at all. I want you to ask yourself, if you don’t feel, how can you truly love? If you don’t feel, how can you empathize with the tragedies happening in the world? If you are sensitive to being disrespected, it means that you will not disrespect others because you know how it feels to be disrespected. If you are sensitive to being ignored or lied to, you will not ignore or lie to others because you know how it feels to be ignored and lied to. Promise yourself from today to be at peace with your sensitivity. Instead of trying to hide it, cherish it.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
Urban Dictionary Definition of Breadcrumbing (not the most academic source, but is there really an academic source for dating definitions?) :
“When the “crush” has no intentions of taking things further, but they like the attention. So they flirt here or there, send texts just to keep the person interested, knowing that they have no intentions of dating the person.”
How can we give someone a second chance and also demand respect? Does giving someone a second chance mean that we have no self-respect?
I felt like I lost a bit of my self-respect when I gave BJ a second chance. Even though he burned me by ghosting, I was holding on to hope or at least onto the fairy tale connection and chemistry we had at the airport. I knew that wasn’t enough, but I was hopeful. BJ didn’t deserve a second chance, but I decided that our connection was enough to give it a fighting chance.
The lesson I learned from the whole experience was letting my guard down with someone who already hurt me once before. Since BJ already ghosted, I shouldn’t have believed him and his word, unless he proved me wrong. He already let me down once, it was unlikely that he wouldn’t have changed in a short period of time, and I should have known that. To be honest, I felt like he was hiding something, but I didn’t know him well enough to make such accusations.
Giving BJ a second chance, meant that I ended up putting myself in a situation that could cause me more stress and heartache. When I look back at it now, I know that I didn’t have enough self-confidence to walk away from the situation. I didn’t realize it then, but I recognize now how imperative it is to be self-reliant and confident before starting anything with someone else.
🎧 - Old Dominion - No Such Thing as a Broken Heart
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Have you ever regretted giving someone a second chance? Why? What did you learn from it? Would you do it again?