chapter twenty seven
Fool Me Once, Shame On You. Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me?
“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING AGAIN! YOU’RE SO STUPID!” I yelled at myself!
BJ kept playing me like a fool! I definitely felt like a fucking fool! I knew better than to give him a second chance and yet, I still did it! I was upset with myself for letting my guard down. I deserve better, but I couldn't stop thinking about him!
His actions didn’t shock me, I expected it. I was hoping that this time around, he would of at least learned to have the balls to be upfront with me. I liked him a lot, and I was willing to take the chance and see him in person just to find out if we still had this connection we did when we first met. It seemed like we did on the phone, but meeting in person again might have been different . . . I guess we’ll never know and we can only speculate.
I’m actually really good at making people like me (mostly as a friend, rarely in a romantic way). I somehow have this ability to make people feel really comfortable with me, almost instantly when they meet me for the first time. I would agree with BJ when he mentioned that if we did see each other again that it would have been really comfortable with each other, we would have a ton of fun, and we would have been immersed in the undeniable connection, probably both emotionally and physically.
However, my intuitions (and most of my friends, if not ALL my friends) were telling me that it doesn’t seem like I was the only girl that BJ was talking too, or he most likely has a girlfriend. I suspect that what BJ is doing is defending himself from getting hurt. I think that he is dating numerous people at a time. He keeps countless options open just in case he might get rejected by the person he actually really likes or the one he is falling in love with . . . Or I could be totally wrong, and he’s a total fucktard, where he purposely tugs on women’s hearts and emotions but is afraid to commit and when things get too serious, he ghosts on you . . . Or plain and simple, he has a girlfriend. Whatever his reasoning was, it didn’t matter, because his actions messed with me. Unfortunately, this fucktard’s actions made me feel like I had stepped back from the progress I felt like I was making.
Just like the first time BJ ghosted on me, I called him. I called the day before I was supposed to see him. I remember coming home from work tired from over thinking about him, and this time I wasn’t nervous to give him a call. I called knowing that he wasn’t going to pick up and I just left him a voice message. What was different from my voice message this time around is that I came out with the guns blazing and just spoke my mind;
“What the fuck B?!?!? Seriously, again! This is exactly why I was hesitant to give this a try a second time, but you just kept insisting and fucking charming me! Damn you mother fucker! Argh! Honestly, you should have just talked to me and tell me the truth! Seriously, what the fuck B?!?!?”
I hung up the phone feeling relieved that I left him a message. I knew it was the closest I was going to get to closure. I tried really hard to be tough, but because I was still fragile from Jaxon’s news the week before, I was uncontrollably emotional. I was sad, angry, and extremely disappointed with myself. That following week was incredibly hard for me. I didn’t want BJ’s actions and the news of Jaxon’s engagement to ruin me. I tried really hard so that my self-pity didn’t turn into anger, neither one of them deserved that satisfaction. I kept myself busy, and I relied a lot more on my family and good friends for support. I could tell that some were frustrated with me for being stupid and letting BJ back in my life when they all told me I deserved better. But no matter how stupid I was being, they were still there for me. I am fortunate to have the support that I do.
The day I was supposed to go see BJ, it was his birthday. I could have just ignored him, but I love birthdays! Like I said I didn’t want his actions to ruin me and I wanted to take the more mature approach and try to be the better person. It is not like me to not wish a friend . . . an acquaintance, a happy birthday. So I ended up texting BJ
To my surprise, he replied.
My last text might have been a little bit harsh (and a little passive-aggressive), but at that point, I didn’t feel like it would have hurt him. My response was the truth. If I did end up going to see him, I’m sure our time together would have been epic and we both probably would have been more emotionally invested. If he was already falling for me while just talking on the phone, he definitely would have fallen in love with me after we did see each other in person, and I might have fallen for him too. We probably might have tried the long distance relationship for a little bit, but let's be honest, he would have eventually pulled away, and he most likely would have ghosted. So like I said to him, he saved us from the inevitable and therefore, it was better it ended sooner than later.
“They say “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” I say: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you. Shame does not lie on the person who forgives or believes in the goodness of others. Shame does not lie on the person who’s been hurt and has the courage to not judge people based on their past. Shame lies on the person who takes advantage of a good heart. Shame lies on the person who deliberately betrays the trust of another person. For our world to change, we don’t need people treating the world as if they’re fighting a war to keep their hearts from getting hurt. For our world to change, we need people to have the courage to believe in the goodness of humanity so that goodness may prevail.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
Just like the quote Najwa Zebian states (above), do not feel ashamed for trusting and forgiving someone. Do not feel ashamed or feel like a fool for believing the good in people. If you remain true to your integrity, your character, to your word, and be kind to people, then you are not the fool. You should never be embarrassed for being the beautiful person that you are.
Don’t change or apologize for thinking differently, or for giving people the benefit of the doubt, or for caring and loving unconditionally. Don’t stop believing in other people even though you have been burnt numerous times Moving past and having a positive outlook after having a negative experience shows your strength and confidence.
Be strong enough to forgive who has wronged you, even though they may not be remorseful. Society would have you believe that being angry at that person is the way you should react. But you should be strong enough to divert from the expected and socially common. Having a negative reaction only decreases your way of life and not their's. Be strong enough to recognize the lessons and to grow from them, rather than having the anger and embarrassment engulf you.
Do not feel ashamed for someone else’s disrespectful choices and actions. As Najwa Zebian states “[s]hame lies on the person who deliberately betrays [your] trust.” Shame should not lie on you because you’ve been disrespected . . . Remember that!
🎧 - Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger
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Why do we feel ashamed or embarrassed when someone mistreats us?