chapter twenty eight
He's Just Not That Into You
Like everything else, I gave myself a few days to recover from the crazy week that I had. I spent the weekend keeping myself busy and surrounding myself with people that care for me and that I love. I had such a great weekend going snowboarding with friends that I momentarily forgot about BJ and Jaxon.
Even with everything that has happened, I thought that BJ and I could remain friends. I was hoping it would be a similar relationship that Liam and I have; text once in a while and keep in touch and have a good laugh on the phone occasionally.
A few days later after the weekend, BJ contacted me.
I was surprised that he wanted to talk, but I thought to myself “finally some type of closure!” I wasn't even nervous at all, at that point I didn't care anymore.
However, the conversation we had is not what I expected . . .
“Hey, I’m sorry. But I’m a coward, and I didn’t know how to say this, but I don’t want to live with regret, so here it goes . . . My friends told me to stay away from girls who have a lot of guy friends, they don’t believe that they are trustworthy. Some of my friends have found themselves in situations where they’ve hooked up with one of their female friends and had to keep it a secret from her boyfriend . . .”
I interrupted him; “What kind of friends do you have, that they have no respect for their buddies? That’s really shitty. Also, I’ve had guy friends all my life. I was a tomboy growing up, and I just got along with boys better. There is nothing more there than just a platonic relationship. And most of my guy friends are gay! Do you know how excited I am when I get girlfriends, I get so stoked!”
He came up with the lamest excuse. There are several problems there, first of all, he didn’t know me enough to judge my loyalty. Anyone that actually truly knows me can confirm that I’m a loyal person. Yes, I’m a natural flirt, but when I’m in a relationship, I’ve never been tempted by anyone other than the person I’m with. And second of all, that comment showed me more of his insecurities. He felt like other guys would be a threat and he didn’t have enough confidence in himself not to be worried about other men. It showed his jealous side, and it also taught me that he’s a coward. He was too scared to take a risk because he was too afraid of the rejection and getting hurt. Or was he just lying? The stupidity of his reasoning got me confused. It didn’t feel like he was telling me the truth, but I didn’t know him well enough to say anything . . .
I can tell that he wanted to say something else. His tone in his voice changed, his voice became deep and soft and had the sincerity to its tone, it reminded me of when he spoke about his father. He was mumbling, he talked in short bursts, and his voice was cracking like a teenage boy going through puberty. I couldn’t tell if it was his phone losing reception, or if he was him cutting himself off. He was talking, and I could barely hear him. I kept telling him to talk louder; “B, I can’t hear you. Can you please speak louder.” He mumbled some words again, I thought I heard him say something that broke my heart. “Wait, what? Did you just say that you have a girlfriend or you found someone?!?”
“No, no . . . You are the only girl,” he responded. His response was clear, and I let out a sigh of relief.
He spoke again with a deep tone to his voice and what he said it hit me like a speeding car. “I can see myself with you . . . settling down and spending the rest of my life with you.” I was quiet, then he was quiet. “Say something,” he told me.
“I don’t know what to say,” I responded. I didn’t know if I believed BJ . . . My gut told me that it was all bullshit, but I still felt flattered, and I was lost for words.
“I just wanted to tell you how I felt because I don’t want to live with regret,” he said to me.
I had no idea what to say. I was torn to whether to believe him or not. He is unfaithful to his word, and he continually betrays my affections and leaves my heart more broken than it already is. Every time he chisels off a piece of my heart and makes it harder to mend it back together. And yet, I still give him the benefit of the doubt. Why? I have no clue. Perhaps it's because I initially believed that he was opposite of Jaxon (but they actually are almost the same), or maybe I’m stuck on the initial spark that I felt when we first met? Or it’s because I’ve become addicted to his deep, sexy, and mesmerizing voice? Or addicted to the hope of what we could have been? Or I’m attracted to the player, the person who will never be satisfied with committing to just one woman? Or maybe it’s just because I want to believe in the good in people? Or is it because I’m afraid to live in regret? Or I’m just stupid?!?!? . . . So many frustrating options to choose from! I have no fucking clue!
We tried to video chat that evening. I wanted to look BJ in the eye and see if he actually was telling the truth, but we just couldn’t get the video chat to work. Before we got off the phone for the night, he said to me to call him the next day (anytime) because he apparently took a leave from work to take classes for his trade. I was definitely going to call him!
The next day, I found myself over thinking of what he had said. For only meeting me in person for 30 minutes, was he really falling for me? Did he actually see a future with me? Was he just scared that I didn’t feel the same way, so he ghosted again?
I was torn, I hated feeling like this. I hated knowing what I wanted and knowing what the right thing to do, aren’t aligning.
I knew that if I continue this game with BJ, I will set myself up to get burned. Eventually later that afternoon, I came to the conclusion that BJ wasn’t worth the risk anymore.
Like he told me to, and as I promised, I called him that evening. Surprise, surprise, he didn’t respond. I texted him to give me a call when he can. He answered several minutes later.
WHAT THE FUCK BITCH?!?!?!?
He was going to see his friend in a different city?!?!?!? If he actually felt something towards me, he would have come to see me instead of his friend. His actions speak louder than his words, and his actions prove that he obviously was not into me. I’m just a fucking fool that believed the bullshit that came out of his mouth! What I don’t understand is why he keeps saying things that he doesn’t mean. That’s just cruel. But apparently BJ is cruel and love playing games, and I was his victim.
He should have just told me that he wasn’t into me. He would have saved me from the months of heartache and headaches. I guess it's also my fault cause I should have known better than to fall for his charm. I don't know what his intentions were, but if it was to hurt me, he succeeded, again and again. I forfeit to whatever game he is playing, he wins. I wonder if he does this with every girl that he meets, or was it just me that was stupid enough to fall for it.
Nothing that BJ said I can trust and to me, if there is no trust, then there is no foundation for any type of relationship. I’ve never had this intense chemistry and connection with someone one day and then be utterly turned-off by them the absolutely next day. If I continue, he will probably break me. I wanted to end everything with him, and it had to be that day. Since he wasn’t answering my phone call, I took an approach I wasn’t comfortable with, but did anyway and sent him a text message.
BJ and I will never see each other again. I just wish that BJ and I had a better ending. The way we met, deserved better than the way we’ve handled everything. If only I knew that the first time we met would also be the last time, I would have made that moment more memorable then I actually did. I would have at least made that kiss unforgettable.
“The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
I am an open person, even though my experience with BJ didn’t end up the way I would have liked, that shouldn’t deter me for being myself and keep me from opening up to other people. I make connections really easily with everyone I meet, but I’ve never felt a deeper connection with a complete stranger like I did with BJ. However, I couldn’t keep hanging on to our connection as the excuse for forgiving him for his actions. I know that I deserve better than BJ. And I know I should never settle for anything less than what I deserve, and I definitely know that I deserve someone who’s honest and respectful.
We should have enough respect for ourselves to know when to walk away. If someone is mistreating you continuously, then we should confront that person and let them know their actions hurt you and was disrespectful. However, facing them should not come out of anger, it should not come out of frustration, but out of confidence from yourself. Trust that you know that you deserve better than what they can provide. Yelling at the other person while angry doesn’t do you any service. Therefore, confront them calmly and confidently because, in the end, you will come out of the experience with lessons, growth and maturely.
🎧 - Tritonal feat. Phoebe Ryan - Now Or Never
🎬 - He’s Just Not that Into You (2009)
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
What benefit does it have to call someone out on their bullshit? Have you done it, why, and what was the result? Did they take it well?
Have you believed someone when they said that they feel something for you, but don’t actually show it?
Have you ever felt connected to someone you know is toxic for you?