chapter twenty nine
Confessions of a Serial Monogamist
After dealing with BJ and the emotional roller coaster ride, I thought I hit rock bottom! I was trying really hard to be the better person, and not let my experience with BJ get the best of me, but I had enough! But what tipped me over the edge wasn’t even BJ, it was again, Jaxon.
Jaxon was off in his engagement trip, be that as it may, he still managed to email me a running exercise routine (which he had promised me before his trip). Unfortunately, though, I responded to his message with anger, because I found out that Jaxon was lying to me, again! A mutual friend of mine and Jaxon’s new fiancé told me that Jaxon and his new fiancé started dating much earlier than he had initially claimed, which meant that he cheated on her . . . With me!
ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
I hit one of the lowest points I had all year. I was not only being played by BJ, but I was continuing being lied to by Jaxon. My heart just couldn’t take it, and I lost my temper.
Since I am not much to be the person to be lied to and not say something, I didn’t hesitate to confront Jaxon.
“Hey
Yeah, we can discuss the running routine when you get back and also we should discuss the exact date you starting dating your fiancé. Cause apparently you guys were already together in June. I think both her, and I deserve the truth! If you haven't noticed the only time, I lose my fucking mind is when you make me feel like an idiot and lie to me. We slept together twice if you guys were already together by then. Seriously Jaxon you made me the other woman! Why would you do that????? Seriously who the fuck are you?!?!?”
Jaxon responded with a similar angry tone to his email . . .
“Sure we can discuss the program when I get back.
Also, as I have explained, we went on our first date in June (before one of my friend’s wedding). At the wedding, everyone kept asking me if I was dating anyone and I said yes so they would leave me alone. I really liked her then but our first date was awkward, and we decided to keep being friends for a while longer.
Nothing was official until September, just like I said before.”
His email was another lie, “. . . nothing was official until September . . .” Just more FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!! My blood boiled as I read his email over and over again. I also felt guilty knowing that there is a high possibility that he physically cheated and is emotionally cheating on his fiancé.
A week later after Jaxon got back from his trip, he called me, and again, he called me when I was in the midst of my workday. I shouldn’t have taken the phone call, but I did. I ran to the washroom, and I sat on the floor and said with an angry and impatient tone to my voice, “I’m at work, so be quick.”
“Look . . .” he said. “I’m just going to tell you everything because you’re right, you deserve the truth.” I remained quiet on the phone. The tone on his voice was different. I didn’t recognize it, it sounded to me like a mix of annoyance, ego, and bullshit. “This is what happened . . . after we broke up, the news spread to my colleagues at work. My coworker, who originally introduced me to my fiancé back in January, said that my fiancé was going to a similar situation (recently broke up with her ex-boyfriend) and that we should hang out and see how it goes. I told you about this.” He said to me.
“Yes I remember, you said that you went on a date with her and it was awkward,” I responded.
“Well, after our awkward date we decided to remain friends, but I liked her a lot. So we remained talking, and I was honest with her, and I told her about what happened between us in June . . .” As he continued talking my eyes started to tear up because I knew that if she had feelings for him back in June, the knowledge that Jaxon and I slept together would have hurt her. I felt her pain because I put myself in her shoes and news like that would have definitely bothered me.
Jaxon continued talking and confessing “. . . I have to admit after we did that 30 days of no contact and when we spoke, and you told me about Liam, I got jealous. And at the end of July when I was looking to move out and was looking for a roommate, she was also looking for a roommate. The person that I was supposed to move in with originally bailed and I had told her, and she suggested that we move in together . . .” I wasn’t surprised when Jaxon told me all of that.
I took a minute to take it all in and quickly analyzed it all in my head. “Was she the girl you met at the hockey game earlier in the year?” I asked.
“Yes. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, and I don’t think I recognized it until now, but you were right . . . I was attracted to her back then, and I unknowingly developed feelings for her and I ended up blaming you for all our troubles because I was in denial. Not only in denial that I was emotionally cheating on you, but in denial about losing a lot of my confidence. You came back from being away from school, and you had finally become independent, and you didn’t need me anymore. I guess I’m a person that needs to be needed. I lost part of my confidence and pride.” His voice cracked as he spoke. He appears to be somewhat remorseful as he FINALLY took ownership of his actions. “You were right the whole time, and I am very sorry for making you feel like it was all your fault.”
I sat there on the washroom floor as the tears slowly ran down my face. I finally got the truth that I was waiting for, but more importantly, I got the validation that I was right the entire time!
I WAS RIGHT! I WAS RIGHT! I WAS RIGHT!
I knew it in my gut that it was not my insecurities, my intuitions told me that he was no longer in love with me, but with someone else. The tears were tears of relief, happiness that I was right, that I was not stupid, that I was not insecure as he had claimed me to be! I stood up quickly, while still in the washroom and on the phone with Jaxon, I let out a little and quiet victory dance! I was getting too much satisfaction that I was right! The whole fucking time, I knew what was happening! However, I’m mad at myself for not trusting my intuitions, but knowing the truth now, it has reassured me to always trust my instincts! To trust my gut! To trust myself!
I stopped dancing, the smile on my face went away, the tears stopped, and I wanted to know more . . . “Did you physically cheat on me?” I asked him while thinking about that night I first caught him in a lie. And without me even telling him what I was thinking about and because he knew me so well, he responded mentioning that exact night.
“No! I know you don’t believe me, but I never lied about dropping off my Ph.D. advisor’s son. I don’t know why I lied to you that night, I just thought it would be easier.” He responded. Unfortunately, though I still don’t believe him. He might have physically cheated . . . I don’t know, and I don’t care anymore.
His confessions appeared to be endless. After admitting that he got jealous of Liam, he divulged to me that he was the one that really wanted this relationship with his new fiancé and at the beginning of August they moved in together, but only as friends. “Eventually in September, we officially started dating. That’s the truth.” He said with assertiveness to his voice. I wasn’t surprised that he was the one who really wanted a relationship with her. He is a serial ‘monogamist.’ This has always been his style, even when we started dating, he wanted to be exclusive and in a relationship immediately after our first date.
“Okay, you’re lying! Her Facebook profile photos show you two together in mid-August. Our common friend pointed this out to me. So, if you didn’t start dating until September, then why didn’t you tell her what happened between us at the end of August?” I was holding the phone as we spoke and I can feel my entire body shaking again, and I was starting to sweat. I knew what he was going to say, the truth was going to hurt me and I was anticipating it.
“She put up a photo of us on her Facebook to prove to me that she liked me, cause I wasn’t sure . . . And. . . I didn’t tell her because that would be the end of our relationship. That would ruin my life.” He said with barely any remorse in his voice.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
He physically cheated on his new fiancé, with me! The one thing I never ever wanted to experience in my life is to be the other woman. To top it all off, he still tried to sleep with me in September. I sort of always knew that he was lying in August about not dating anyone, but I again slept with him.
Once the truth was confirmed, I instantly felt the guilt take over my entire body, the tears from my eyes just became waterfalls. I couldn't stop sobbing. I felt utterly disgusted with him . . . And myself.
“It’s not your fault that you believed them. It’s their fault that they lied. They should be ashamed not you.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
In my opinion, having an emotional affair is worse than being physically cheated on. I find emotionally cheating worse than a physical relationship because of the secrecy and the lack of tangible evidence. It is easier to blame someone else and have them question themselves because there is no physical evidence. Only the person who is having an emotional affair can admit what they are actually doing.
When you get cheated on, may that be physical or emotional, can you forgive them? I understand that the worst feeling in the world is knowing that someone you loved and trusted used and lied to you. But we know that the only person that can affect how we feel and react to those lies is us.
I found it in my heart to forgive Jaxon. The greatness of our relationship was not determined by his single act or our final year together. It was established by the strength we had to overcome all the obstacles we faced throughout the years. It was determined with the respect and love that we had for each other. It was established by the endless laughter, the solid support we had. I choose to focus on the good, rather than the bad because the man I fell in love with showed me that there is strength in the ability to forgive people.
“… When people cause us pain in life, we handle it in different ways. We can get down and depressed about how we're made to feel. We can become bitter, hateful and resent them, or we can recognize we didn't deserve the pain and empower ourselves to overcome it.” - Anne Cohen
🎧 - Sugarland feat. Taylor Swift - Babe
📖 - A Beautiful, Terrible Thing - Jen Waite
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Can you forgive someone for cheating on you? Why or why not?