chapter thirty
Fourteen Years Later
I was 18 years old, working at a women’s clothing store when one of my guy friends called me to invite me to go out with ‘all’ of our friends at the bar. It was relatively late, and I had my university class the next day, but I figured since I was already dressed for the occasion, I should make a brief appearance.
It was a cold winter night, and I was wearing fairly revealing clothing since that was the attire that the store I was working required. I was young and in my prime, and I was ready to mingle that night. I had recently broken up with an ex-boyfriend few months before, and I was seeing three different guys at that time but nothing serious, it was all just for fun. At the end of my shift, I met my crew of friends at the mall parking lot where I worked. We had two cars full of people . . . Well, full of boys. I was the only girl going, to what appeared to be, a boys night out. I didn’t mind because I was flirtatious and wanted to have a good time. Most of the guys I grew up with and would see virtually every weekend because we would all regularly go to the bar together, but there was one guy I hadn't seen for over 6 months . . . As I approached the cars, the two drivers were outside of the vehicles chatting and deciding which bar to go to. Since my girlfriends and I were ‘bar-stars’ at the time, I knew which bar/club to go to and suggested one that was a little farther away but would be worth the drive. The two drivers agreed, and we were off.
I opened the door to one of my friend’s cars, and there he was; his blue eyes piercing the darkness, his smile was sweet and humble, his hair full and lustrous. Jaxon was sitting right behind the driver’s seat, and I couldn’t help think to myself how handsome Jaxon was looking.
When we got to the bar, there was no line-up like I had initially expected. Once inside, I went straight to the coat check to check-in my heavy winter jacket. I remember straightening out my fairly revealing shirt and pants and turning around to see half my guy friends look at me like I had never seen them look at me before, like a piece of meat. But Jaxon’s look towards me was different. I saw him look at me, but then he looked away once I turned in his direction. It appeared that he didn’t want to make it evident that he was checking me out. It was sweet, and I appreciated him trying to respect me and that he didn’t drool over my fairly exposed breasts. I let out a very flirtatious smile and giggle, and I let myself just have fun that night . . . And I definitely had LOTS of fun, and I flirted with Jax like crazy. Jaxon and I were touching and flirting the entire night. I held his hand, I smiled at him, I hugged him, I whispered in his ears, we walked around together, and we made everyone jealous. I loved every second that we had together and I knew that he was feeling the same way.
. . . That was the first night that started our journey, fourteen years ago . . .
Mid-December marked, what would have been, mine and Jaxon’s fourteenth anniversary. I thought that day would have been hard for me, but surprisingly it wasn’t.
I was flabbergasted with myself! I expected to be an emotional mess, yet I was not upset or sad like my family, friends, and I expected me to be. But instead, I found victory in the positive changes in both our lives after we had broken up.
That day I had a low-key day, I relaxed, and I took the time to reminisce on our relationship. I focused on the look he used to give me, especially a look he gave me the first time he saw me at night at the bar fourteen years ago. The memory of that night made me smile, it brought great memories of the following years . . . decade . . . that we spent together.
I knew Jaxon was happy because he told me he was. News like that should have made me jealous . . . The old me would have been. His happiness stemmed from being with someone else, but that didn’t make me sad, and it didn’t make me mad because his confessions was the closure that I needed. I knew that I could no longer trust him, and as I’ve said numerous times before, he was no longer the man I fell in love with, but the boy I fell out of love with. I also knew that we were better off not being together.
What was more important though was coming to the realization that Jaxon was not the only one that changed, I also recognized that I had changed as well. I was emotionally and psychologically stronger than I was fourteen years ago when we first started dating. If this had happened fourteen years ago, I would have lost my mind; I would have yelled, thrown things, punched his face in, be manipulative, play the guilt card, be passive aggressive . . . plainly I would have been incredibly immature about it. However, Jaxon taught me to be more patient, forgiving, have confidence and not be jealous, and to control my anger. I am grateful to the man I fell in love with, who helped guide me to the person I am today.
Since I was so grateful, I didn’t have the heart to be angry with him, I wanted the best for him like he always wanted the best for me. I hoped that for his sake and for his new fiancé’s sake that he becomes the humble, patient, loving, loyal, caring man that he used to be.
A few days after, Jaxon and I spoke on the phone. I wanted to see how he was doing and how he handled our ‘fourteenth anniversary’ day.
“Hey!” I said with enthusiasm.
“Hey! Been thinking of you these past several days!” Jaxon said with also the same happy enthusiasm.
“Of course you have, it would have been our fourteen year anniversary this past weekend,” I said with a small giggle.
“Yup, I did think of that,” Jaxon responded. “How have you been?” Jaxon asked.
“Well . . . To be honest, I’ve been good. I wasn’t sad like I thought I would be, but I did take the time to remember how it all began. It was great to reminisce! But my mind has been on something else.” I responded.
“Oh is everything okay?” Jaxon asked. Since Jaxon had moved on with another woman, I figured that it wouldn’t be uncomfortable if I talked to him about my boy issues. The most bizarre feeling is that I felt most comfortable talking to him about everything. “I’m confused with BJ, that’s all.” I said “He didn’t show up when he was supposed to visit. I got ghosted twice” I vented to Jaxon.
“Oh, he probably has a girlfriend or something. His loss.” Jaxon responded.
We talked a little bit more, and then we both ended up having to go to get ready for work. I remember hanging up the phone, and I had this smile on my face, I was happy that after thirteen years together, and almost a year apart, we were consoling each other like good friends would. I loved that even though we weren’t together that I could still consider him one of my best friends and that he could also consider me as one of his without the awkwardness.
“And all you have to do to transform your hell into a paradise is to turn your fall into a voluntary act. It’s a very interesting shift of perspective and that’s all it is… joyful participation in the sorrows and everything changes.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
I have always believed that there are two ways to look at every experience, negatively or positively. When we are hurting, we often look at life negatively and wish poorly on the person that has hurt us. We tend to forget the great memories. There is always something positive within the negative. It is up to us to look deeper to find it.
I definitely could have spent my time focusing on the lies, and the one unpleasant year that Jax and I had together. I decided to not have that define our relationship because 12 out of those 13 years were incredible. That’s 92%! I choose to NOT spoil that 92% with anger and resentment. Of course, I have not forgotten the lies, but I also have not forgotten the laughter, the smiles, the hugs, the banter, the solid support for each other in our school and our careers. I choose to forgive, to focus on the good, to remember always the man that I had fallen in love with.
Some people may think that forgiveness is a sign of weakness or some people think that I am not over him and our relationship. I let those people believe what they want to believe and judge me the way they please. I don’t think that I am weak. And I 100% know that I am over Jaxon. The lies lost my respect, once that is gone, I am gone.
I believe it takes a strong person to be able to walk away from a long-term committed relationship that is no longer benefiting either one of them. There is courage to be able to stand tall in the end and appreciate and be grateful for the relationship, whether it ended poorly or not.
It is acceptable to be angry and sad, it is the typical reaction. But it is also acceptable to go beyond the common and prove to yourself that you are better than what is expected and flourish from the experience. Positive personal growth should never be considered weak!
🎧 - Brandi Carlile - Every Time I Hear That Song
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
When you reminisce about your past relationships, what do you feel? Remorse? Guilt? Hurt? Betrayal? Happiness? Why?
If the feeling is negative, can you change it? Do you want to? Why or why not?