chapter thirty one
Unprecedented Friendship
With everything that Jaxon and I had been through, I didn’t want to lose my friendship with him. After all, Jax was my best friend for thirteen years; there’s a comfort there, a friendship beyond most.
I was back in my hometown for the holidays and enjoying my time seeing family and friends.
It was late on Christmas night, and the snow was pouring down as I drove back to my mother’s house from Jaxon’s mom’s house. I got to see his younger sister, brother, mother and sister-in-law. I didn’t know how much I missed his family until I hugged each one of them.
I didn’t see Jaxon that night, so we made arrangements to get together the following day.
I was waiting at the end of my mother’s street for only a minute before I saw Jaxon’s SUV coming around the bend. I was laughing because I can tell that the SUV was having a hard time going through the snow. I crossed the street because I knew that there was no way that Jaxon could turn onto my mother’s street due to the height of the snow. This winter chaos was something I didn’t miss.
Driving around the SUV in the winter with Jaxon reminded me of the good times we spent in the city. How many winter nights we had endured together. We also talked about how his relationship with his new fiancé was going, and he spoke about the awkward Christmas with his family for the first time in thirteen years without me. Which made both of us tear up.
He grabbed and held my hand, and I held his hand for support. “You have to understand that this is new to your family and they love me as much as I love them. Our breakup was not just a shock to you, but also them. You have to give them time to heal and adjust as well.” I said.
“At least you found someone that loves you,” I said to him to make him feel better. “I was just played like I’m a fucking clown, by a guy name BJ!” I let out a defensive giggle.
He looked at me, “Things didn’t work out with BJ?” he asked.
I looked at him, paused, and responded “No.”
We drove around for a couple of hours, and throughout that time we made plans to get together for lunch the following day with his new fiancé. I put the petty and (socially) expected reaction from an ex-fiancé aside and wanted to meet her since we will be in each other’s lives as friends. Well, that was my hope at least. I was excited that I could be friends with his new fiancé. Being friends with your ex-fiancé’s fiancé seems to be an unusual relationship, but I didn’t care because I was more excited that Jaxon and I could remain friends after everything that has happened.
I got up the next morning, expecting to be nervous, but surprisingly not. My mother looked at me like I was crazy when I told her that I was borrowing her car to go meet up with Jaxon and his new fiancé.
“What, are you insane?” she asked as her eyes widened.
“No, why?” I responded with a smile on my face. “Mom, you don’t have the right to be angry, no one does, only me. I am not angry, so get over it!” I told her with a giggle. She stared at me with this unimpressed look on her face, and she shook her head aggressively and mumbled something to herself as I headed out the door.
As I drove towards the restaurant, I thought about my mother’s reaction. I know how people expect me to act and feel towards Jaxon, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to lose him as my friend. He was my best friend for so long, and just because we weren’t together, that didn’t mean I didn’t want the best for him, and that also didn’t mean that I wanted to be out of his life forever.
I got to the restaurant early, which is unusual for me. I saw Jaxon walking down the street by himself. My heart sank to my stomach because I knew that she wasn’t coming. As he walked in and sat down, I gave him a fake smile, and I asked where his fiancé was.
“She’s not coming,” he said.
“Oh okay,” I said with sorrow in my face. I was heartbroken, and I wanted to meet the person that made Jaxon happy, which ultimately made me happy for my friend. “What happened?” I asked.
“She’s not ready” he replied.
“Did I do something wrong?” I asked.
“It’s not you,” he responded.
I wanted her to see that I was not a threat between her and Jaxon. If we were competing, technically, she won. Jaxon would have, technically, been the prize, she has him, and I don’t . . . Technically, she won. So why was she not ready to meet me? I didn’t understand but respected her decision.
I knew that the inevitable was coming . . . The end of our friendship. I spent the entire meal waiting for Jax to break off our friendship. I didn’t know if he would have the courage to do so. I also didn’t know if I had the courage.
We were nearing the end of our lunch, and Jaxon’s cell phone kept vibrating. Every time that it vibrated, he would mention that he had to return to work. I was waiting for him to say something, but he didn’t. I started to cry because I knew that he didn’t have the heart to say anything to me. So I knew that I had to do it. Tears kept flowing down my face, and I looked up at Jax, and he also was crying. “This is it. We no longer can be friends.” I softly said to him.
He nodded his head and said, “just give her time.” We walked to the door of the restaurant. We hugged and whispered to each other “I will always love you.” Then he walked out the door.
More tears flowed down my cheeks as I watched him disappear into the frigid cold winter. My heart broke into a billion and ten pieces knowing that I might not be able to talk to Jaxon or see him again.
I not only lost one of my soul mates but my best friend that year. I was crushed beyond belief . . . Surprisingly more heartbroken about our friendship break up, than our initial break up.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
REFLECTIONS / LESSONS LEARNED:
Jaxon and I have been friends since we were nine years old. We were friends for nine years before we started dating. Losing a friend that you have known for that long is hard enough, let alone having him be your best friend for an additional thirteen years. Not having Jaxon in my life scared me. I didn’t know what life was like without him, but as much as it hurt breaking up as friends, the closure was needed. It gave us the opportunity to move on with our lives without each other entirely.
“Never allow your fear of the unknown to prevent you from moving forward. Whatever challenges life throws at you it’s important to remember that life is a journey of growth, expansion and adaptation. To live a fulfilled life, you must remain open to the diversity of life’s experiences. By holding onto your fears, you’re contracting yourself to a constrained spectrum of possibilities. Nothing great ever takes place inside comfort zones. In order to evolve, you must enter the unknown.” - Unknown
Can a friendship work after a breakup?
When I talk about trying to be friends with my ex-fiancé, most people assume that I am not over him. Some believe that when people are friends with their ex’s or with someone that they have dated briefly, then that means that you are keeping it open for opportunities in the future. 'One foot in, one foot out' kind of deal. I do not see it this way. Sometimes you stop being in love with the person, but still care, and respect them as you would any friend. Again, that doesn’t mean you intend to get back together with them.
I have remained friends with numerous guys I’ve dated these past several years. There is an attraction there to begin dating them, whatever reason why it didn’t turn out, the respect has remained with me. I’ve grown much love for them as I've gotten to know them, but because we stay in contact and hang out often, doesn't mean that I intend to start dating them again. I’m a big supporter of their current relationships though!
Don’t get me wrong; I have friends that have broken up with their girlfriends or boyfriends and have remain friends while dating other people. Then eventually, months or even years later, they get back together and get married. Sometimes the timing is just off, but it was never their intentions to get back together when they initially broke it off and decided to remain friends. I believe in giving relationship second chances if the breakup was amicable, when the friendship has grown, and you develop a new found respect and attraction towards each other. Those friends who have reunited after taking time apart, have the strongest marriages/relationships I've seen. However, and like I said numerous times, it doesn’t mean that is what they intended when they remain friends, it just happened. But most of the time most couples remain broken up.
Sometimes when a couple decides to remain friends after a breakup, often the person who got broken up with, do have hidden intentions to get back together with the other person. It is imperative that the breakup be amicable because friendship is hard to maintain when one person is being manipulative. Any friendship is hard to preserve when there are lies and scheming. Be honest with yourself and with the other person. When you find yourself in this situation, it is best to take time apart from each other.
🎧 - Kodaline - High Hopes
🎬 - (500) Days of Summer (2009)
FEEDBACK / COMMENTS / THOUGHTS /YOUR REFLECTION / ANSWER QUESTIONS BELOW:
Why is it considered normal to not be friends with your ex after you have broken up? Why is perceived to be weird that you are friends with your ex if the breakup was amicable?
Have you found yourself being friends with an ex or someone you dated briefly and wanted more? Is that fair for them, or for you to remain friends?